Sandman, Go Away

I have paid a lot of attention to my sleeping patterns over the duration of the past year.  I began, not so much monitoring, but taking an interest in said sleeping patterns around November of 2008.  This would be about the time that I told N that I was leaving.  I was stressed, sure.  I was thinking non-stop, worrying, contemplating, etc.  I also began sleeping on the couch down in the basement/t.v. room.  A change of sleeping environment certainly made changes in my sleeping habits.  But I began to have a mad bout of insomnia, which didn't really seem to end until a couple of weeks ago.  Did I ever sleep?  Sure, but I would take a 'cat nap' for an hour or two and then wake up early in the night, remaining awake until 3 or 4 in the morning, only to get up and move about around 6:30 to start my day.  I think it might have taken a bit of a toll at first as I was getting sick often.  Basically, combine lack of sleep, lack of appetite (very poor eating habits), and a complete disregard for my own well-being, you pretty much have to wonder when the collapse will occur.  But there was no cure.  I don't take medications to help with these things.  In fact, there are very few medications that I will take at all, and only by great necessity, after 1999.  Regardless, I figured that the only way to help my sleeplessness was to cure the cause of it.  Certainly makes sense, but it was a lot harder than I thought.  Actually, so hard that I never did figure out how to do it.  It just kind of happened on its own from outside factors.  But...what I will say is this.  Throughout those many, many months of open eyes and working brain, I must deeply and sincerely thank the friends of mine that saw fit to entertain me when they could during those hours.  I'm pretty sure that helped me through a lot and, while I had my bad moments that you've also helped me get through, those hours were when I needed you the most.  So, forever in your debt, though you may not have realized that you were helping me at the time.

So what has changed?  I guess the new relationship.  Though, I'm finding great difficulty in believing that something such as that can affect the way that I sleep.  But I have been sleeping a hell of a lot.  So much, in fact, that it's become a running joke that T comes over and half the time ends up just watching me sleep.  But damn if I can help it.  I started to think about why this might be.  To start, I'm comfortable.  So comfortable, in fact, that I think of being near him and I feel this pleasant feeling of sleepiness like someone is softly closing my eyes for me.  It makes me want to take a nap no matter where I am or when.  Kind of weirding me out, actually, because I've never experienced that before.  So, being comfortable is one thing.  Also to be noted that with this sense of comfort, I have gained 4 lbs.  Not good!  After panicking about this, I decided that the indulgences of comfort end there.  I WILL NOT BACKTRACK!!!!!  Anyway, there's certainly something to be said for comfort.  My other thought is that I do not have time to worry about inane, trivial things right now; however, certain individuals like to keep the drama rolling and I'm finding that I'm stressed all the time.  Yet, at the same time, I'm happy.  But I'll remark on that later.  The point is that it might be a bodily 'shut-down' method.  And thirdly, I was wondering if there isn't truth in that lack of sleep will definitely catch up to you.  If this be the case, look out.  You might as well watch me hibernate this whole winter because I have a lot of catching up to do.  And maybe that's why I'm gaining weight.  Maybe I'm beginning to store fat for my hibernation.

Now, on to the interesting side effects of sleep deprivation and revival.  The other night, we were watching From Hell in my living room.  I really like that movie, though I occasionally get grossed out by some details as my stomach weakens with age.  Anyway, right after the third murder, I must have drifted off.  During that time, I actually dreamt.  While I am no sleep expert, this baffled me a bit because I thought dreams only came near the final stage of sleep.  So, it's kind of like I have been sleeping, but mobile and slightly alert during my waking hours, maybe sleep walking.  I don't know.  But I had a weird dream, none the less.  I was at my friend Tiffany's house, though it wasn't really her house.  You know how that goes.  All of the rooms that I went into but one was very similarly decorated as those in her real house; she has very elegant tastes.  The unique room was less formal, had a small t.v., a couch, a bed, etc.  It was to be the room I was going to stay in during my visit.  After close attention was paid to the details of this home, the dream shifted.

Now I was being routed through a very old home by a group of men that were researching and helping families with paranormal activity in their homes.  There were several rooms that were affected, but I was to help in the basement.  The "ghost" that resided down there was known to fly a plastic helicopter through the room.  Sure enough, when I was down there, an army green plastic helicopter was flown right in front of my face.  The body of the helicopter was built more like a cage; in other words, it wasn't solid, but just strips of meshed plastic large enough to stick your fingers in.  And the plastic pilot was very visibly orange.  Once I grabbed the details of that helicopter, the dream was over.  The movie had ended.

So, I sat up and tried to have a conversation with T (after turning the dvd player off, of course.  i think the music being played during the idle part of the disc is more haunting than the whole movie.).  In the middle of the conversation, I must have started to drift off?  I don't know.  But I was envisionioning Muslims praying.  It felt like I was actually there.  Oddly, since I am particularly religiously and culturally tolerant, I made the following half-comment, "Those nutjobs in the east..."  I snapped out of it when T, said, "What? What did you just say?"  I could only look at him, baffled, and told him that I didn't say anything. 

In conclusion, sleep, or lack thereof, makes us do/say some really weird things.  I'm concerned about my sleeping habits and I'm irritated that all I want to do right now is sleep.  What does it all really mean?