The Importance of Being Ernest

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"I'm Okay With This Being Casual"

If you're having a casual relationship with a guy, whether or not there are "benefits," and you're not really okay with the way things are going, don't lie to yourself or him and say that you're perfectly fine with a casual relationship. Be honest with yourself and admit the truth - sometimes that scare will be enough to encourage him to take it a step further. If he doesn't want to, then you know where the two of you stand and you can either continue on with the casual relationship or you can move on without him. 

This is an excerpt from an article I read while randomly checking my horoscope (sometimes you just gotta).  The article is a Yahoo contribution by Lauren Romano.  Pretty spot on, if you ask me.  And this is the philosophy I've been using for the last 3 years.  There's one flaw in my own method, but I'll get to that in a minute.

First, I have to give two examples of the 'casual relationship' scenario, but will start with my own version of the philosophy.  At this moment in my life, I am not surrounded by many men that would make sense in my life as a permanent fixture.  Maybe it's not being able to live up to my checklist; maybe it's because it wouldn't be mutual (for reasons only they can tell: not being ready, not feeling a certain way about me, or just not wanting that type of relationship for themselves at all).  But the short and sweet of it is that I am not "there".  So, if I want to have casual relationships until I do find what I want, so be it.  For the most part, I'm very open about this with men because they need to know that up front.  If either party feels that way, it's best to know from the beginning so you can decide if that's what you're okay with or not.  Like the article pointed out, though, you may not know you're okay with it or not until you find yourself deeper in the relationship.  Spending time with someone will definitely pull you one way or another.  And I say that I am open about it for the "most part" because sometimes it's so obvious what it is that no one has to verbally throw it out there.  I'm beginning to realize this is a mistake, but that's what I've been going with.  The point is, you have to have honesty on both sides.  If you tell me it'll never happen beyond what it is, I now have the opportunity to say that's cool, or no thanks I'll move on...and vice verse.

So, here's what I've experienced recently...

Man #1:  It is understood, without having ever said a word, that what we have/had is, and will only be, a casual thing.  At this point in time, I'm fine with that.  However, the behavior, which I feel is a direct result of fear, is getting to be so annoying that I am prepared to walk away for good.  I believe he is afraid that if he stays a little too long, has an actual conversation about anything personal, or shows any amount of real affection, I will somehow get the wrong idea about what our relationship is.  It's sad to me because he truly comes off as an @$$hole when he doesn't realize that it's really okay not to want to be exclusively committed to someone.  Maybe I should take some responsibility and say that I should have spoken my mind about what I did or did not want from the beginning, but I didn't.  And it's obvious to me that he never will.

Man #2:  It is also understood with this person that a casual relationship is okay in my book, but we learned this about each other by talking about it.  No one brought up the subject awkwardly; it just came up naturally in a comfortable conversation.  He actually talks to me in addition to listening to what I have to say.  Not only did we come to the conclusion that we are on the same page, it was actually a relief to both of us to have the words spoken aloud.  In addition, we are now able to completely enjoy each other's company with no pretenses or silent fear that someone's going to get the wrong impression.  It's nice.

In conclusion, it's incredibly important to be up front and honest as much as you can be in a situation.  Everyone deserves that.  More importantly, you need to be honest with yourself, also pointed out in the article.  If you want a relationship or you don't, it's okay.  You want what you want and, eventually, you'll find someone who shares those thoughts.  No sense making yourself miserable being in a situation you don't want to be in.  And, of course, things have a tendency to change.  One person may certainly fall for the other more than intended.  When two people are compatible enough to begin any kind of relationship together, it makes sense that this could happen.  Now, I'm a firm believer that you cross that bridge when you get to it.  But when you do, treat it like you did at the beginning.  Share these newly changed feelings and your next set of actions can be based on the response.  Just don't lie to your self or them.  Keep it real. 

On that note: