The Office Phantom: De-masked

Oh, don't think I don't know who you are.  I've been semi-staking you out for at least a year now and I've enough evidence to have you deported from our floor.  What sway do I have, you say?  Let's see.  I work in I.T.  I control what you do and do not have access to, and I can make sure that your story gets posted on the Intranet along with a picture of your guilty mug.  If you'd like to save yourself, here's some rules for you to follow.  Stick to them, and we can arrange some peacetime in this little fight.  Remember, it's my war and while I may not win every battle, I always win the war.

1) I understand that you do not have a bathroom on your floor and, therefore, need to use ours.  However, learn to abide by the age-old rule of not doing #2s at work.  Not school, not work.  Only at home.  Just because you eat half a cow between breakfast and lunch each day and that causes you to have regular 1:30 p.m. bowel movements, the rest of us shouldn't have to suffer.  Either hold it, or use another bathroom.  There are more secretive and less used locations strategically placed on opposite ends of our basement.  Get to know them.  Emergencies are a different story.  But those should be rare occurrences.

2) If you can't find your way to the basement and have to use ours, try to at least go at the end of the day.  There is no sense whatsoever in rendering our bathroom useless for a large part of the work day. 

3) If you can't be bothered with any of the above, can you please attempt to cover up the stench?  Not so much spray that I stagger backwards when I walk in the door from the mixture of your toxins and the spray's.  But enough to lightly disguise the smell.  Better yet, light a match or something.  No one will yell at you for that.

4) No matter what you're doing in our bathroom, use a toilet seat cover.  I use one, but that's just not enough.  I need you to use one too so I feel safer.  No one's behind should be touching the seats.  I already use a crap load (no pun intended) of hand sanitizer...not on my bottom, but on my hands...in addition to washing them regularly.  I am trying not to share in your grossness.  Help me in this process.

5) If you clog one of the toilets, FIX IT!!!!!  Do NOT leave half of your excrements in the comode and walk away as though nothing happened.  Now that I know it's you, I will personally make you pay for that one.

6) On that note, if you had a clog and everything went kind of down okay, but there's that little piece of tp that refuses to surrender, don't sigh with relief just yet.  Please do not leave the bathroom without making sure there still isn't a clog.  If that bathroom gets flooded one more time because of this shenanigan, I will be sure to seran wrap the seats next time.  Don't think I won't.

That about does it for my own specifications.  But if you are at all confused about how to use a shared bathroom, please go to www.bing.com and enter bathroom etiquette.  Believe it or not, there are tips online for you morons.