Cakes and Cups and Cups of Cakes

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I very much would like to start my own business, preferably one that involves baked goods and coffee.  I had the most beautiful opportunity set before me to co-own a NY style deli recently that I had to turn down.  The reasons were simple.  The location was in York.  I work in Harrisburg, live in Shiremanstown, and have to be at my children's activities in Mechanicsburg.  That would leave me little to no time to work at the place due to the fact that I can't risk leaving my current job with the benefits and health insurance just yet.  Those things are too important right now in a single family income to give up.  Not to mention the insane amount of driving.  I felt kind of angry because on one hand, this was an opportunity to live out my dream.  But I got over it rather quickly.  Why?  Because I am comfortable with the fact that the priorities that I deem to take precedence over this venture are indeed where my attention should be.  Also, I do feel that I will have the opportunity at some point in my life to live out my dream.  I truly do.  I think that this was an eye opener to what this sort of business entails; however,  I know that to be profitable for me with time and money it has to be in a location closer to me.  I just look at it as though this was not the right time in my life.

That being said, I'm not giving up on learning and commencing some of the things that I want to do to open something similar on my own or with someone else as a co-owner.  Last night, my fb status mentioned that I would love to make cupcakes for a living.  How incredibly fun and delicious would that be?  And Christy, if you are serious about joining me, let's get to it girly!  To start, I want to experiment in my home.  I don't have the money for rent or overhead of any commercial property, so that's out of the question.  But everyone starts somewhere, don't they?  Why not have your business down pat before you open up public shop?  So, I think it's definitely experiment time.  I'd like everything to be homemade and creative.  I think this will be loads of fun.  And first stop is apparently going to be red velvet cupcakes for Andrew's birthday.  I'm on it.

Strawberry Rhubarb Pie

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Does anyone have a recipe for strawberry rhubarb pie?  My grandmother used to make these and they're my favorite, but I'd like to take a stab at it myself.  So if someone can guide me in the right direction for the best recipe, I'd appreciate it.  Doesn't that look yummy?

Restless Ambiguity

Have you ever thought to tell someone things about yourself that you normally wouldn't just offer up?  Maybe tell someone about every inconsistency in your typical line of thinking or bring up as many flaws and blemishes just to see what their reaction would be?  You figure people that are close to you have to know these things eventually anyway.  But yet there's something about throwing it at them in a certain way that makes it seem different.

In the book I'm reading now, Him Her Him Again The End of Him by Patricia Marx, there's a part about the main character's friend and her boyfriend.  They were entering that crossroads point in their relationship.  So, the boyfriend tells the girlfriend that he just wanted her to know that if they were to make this serious commitment and she were to have her arm amputated for some reason after the fact, he would leave her.  He just wanted her to be aware of that beforehand so he didn't seem like a bad guy should it happen.  I find this hilarious.  But...at least he's honest.  What's even more funny about this comment is that today my boyfriend told me he'd love me even if I lost my arms.  Go figure.

So then I was thinking about the way your significant other may view you.  I've been with people who believe that they would love me no matter what I looked like.  That's sweet and all but talk about opening the door to letting me become a fat, lazy pig.  I kid, I kid...kind of.  But I think this bothers me just a bit.  I mean, I don't really want to be with someone who looks at me every time I eat and says, "Um, should you really be eating that?"  Or maybe SLAPS A DORITO OUT OF MY HAND???!!!  I laugh at this one because it recently happened.  Yes, it did (he thought he was helping).  I don't want someone not to care though.  I want the person I'm with to care enough to realize that this is not a diet for me.  This is my way of life.  This is my chosen lifestyle.  It's the lifestyle that works for me and one that I want and need for my kids too.  This means that the person I'm with has to live that lifestyle too.  At least in the house or when they're with me.  If they want to eat a bag of Doritos at work, go ahead, though I don't approve.  I want this person to go to the gym with me, go hiking with me, walk with me, etc.  This is something I find very important.  And if I do gain 10 lbs and it shows but I don't say anything, then I want that person to tell me it shows and to get my ass to the gym (in a nice way, of course).  Note that if I do bring it up on my own and you still feel the need to bring it to my attention, you won't be living much longer. Anyway, it's not okay to have an enabler.  I'll try to not be an enabler for other things in return.  This is an ultimate requirement in a relationship.

I think it's evident that I have a one track mind, but these things need to be worked out, especially in writing.  Such is life.  Now what am I going to eat for dinner? :-)

Independence and Waiting

Not everything works out exactly how you wanted.  As an adult, I have a hard enough time with this concept.  So, I can only imagine how my kids deal with it.  Previously, I mentioned that we were going to a beach this weekend.  We did, indeed, make the attempt.  Yesterday (the 4th), we made our way to Leesport to experience Blue Marsh Lake.  We waited in the car for 2 hours in a long line to reach the entrance of the lake.  The line seemed to go on forever and so many individuals were out of their cars soaking up the sun while they waited.  The kids had done decently well during the wait, but...we were thinking we might be pressing our luck.  Drake wanted to come back and play with his new friend, Wyatt.  But the twins wanted to wait it out.  We figured we could endure it a little longer, but at some point we'd have to call it.  When we'd all but had enough, I got out of the car and walked to the bend in the road (about 20 cars up) to see how far it went after that.  I saw nothing but more cars.  A guy standing around that area told me the police were estimating about another hour and a half from that point.  I guess it was full and they were letting people in as they were letting people out.  Him and I concluded that it seems senseless to waste your whole 4th of July waiting in line.  So...we had to disappoint at least one of the kids and head back.  I think they were well compensated though.  They spent the rest of the day playing outside and in Wyatt's pool.  They were pretty happy in the end.

Drake...has poison...on his face.  When I picked him up on Friday, I noticed a small rash under his eye.  He was scratching at it which brought it to my attention.  That spot has grown and it is now on his eyelid, his nose, cheek, and neck.  I've been putting Benedryl gel on it, which says that it is for poison ivy, poison sumac, and poison something else.  It seems to be helping.  But it's not gone away.  I've never had poison and this freaks me out.  Poor little guy...

Books are like precious gems to me.  Since late last fall, I've been reading the series of Vince Flynn novels with the character, Mitch Rapp.  Never would have picked these books up in a million years on my own.  I didn't foresee myself ever enjoying a political thriller.  Thanks to a friend for insisting I read these because I'm hooked.  I seriously can't put them down.  I just finished Pursuit of Honor, which is the last one out at the moment.  I believe, from what I've read, that his next installment will be in October.  I'm disappointed and excited all at the same time for the wait.  I feel the same way about these books that I did with Harry Potter.  That's nuts.  But I recommend you pick them up no matter how you think you may feel about them.  If someone else would read them and talk to me about them, I'd be one happy woman.  Oh, and a movie about the main character has been in the works for some time.  I believe they're basing it off of Consent to Kill.  Can't wait for that either, but I'm afraid of who they might choose to play Mitch Rapp.  I've already developed my perception of him from reading and I really don't want that to be ruined.  Nonetheless, pick up these books, borrow them from me, whatever.  But read them.  Trust me on this one.

And that's about it for today's updates.  Until next time...

One Thing At a Time

Holy wow.  It's been a long time since I've bloggy-blogged.  It's 4th of July weekend, and I thankfully have the kiddos to enjoy it with.  We don't have exact plans (like this is anything new), but I want to take the kids to a lake of some sort with a beach since they normally have the lake experience every year along with some picnicking, which is more for my benefit.  These are the things I think are fun, maybe because we did this a lot when I was a kid.  When you become a parent, part of you wants to repeat those experiences for your own children and part of you wants to retain the child inside of yourself and keep reliving those awesome times.  Nonetheless...that's the general idea for the weekend.  And, of course, fireworks somewhere.  Though Andrew doesn't know it yet, he'll be on grill duty since that's an integral part of 4th of July weekend as well.

Updates...

Since I gave you this in the last blog, I'll give you a weight loss update.  The last 2 months, I've gone up a couple of pounds, down a couple of pounds.  So, I really haven't lost anything during the last couple of months.  However, overall I have lost 86.5 lbs.  I still think that's pretty awesome, so I just have to buckle down again and do what I know works.  I learned a lot of things when I worked with my "trainer turned friend".  If I can just get myself to do everything he had me doing before, I'd be propelling myself forward a lot faster.  But I have realized that I need to be pushed.  Not in a way that's going to make me angry at you, but someone there to hold me accountable.  I've also learned throughout the entire process that there are certain things that have to be as they are (as I've made them) or this will not work.  They are as follows:

1. Absolutely NO chips/cookies/ice cream/etc. can be allowed in my house.  I knew this before and I had to relearn it recently.  Everyone has weak moments, and I am certainly not excluded.  When I have weak moments, I WILL eat something.  So... I can't have bad options.  If a weak moment comes along, I need to be able to say that's there is either nothing enticing to bother eating or that I'll just have the apple, watermelon, celery...you get the picture.  I know this is hard for everyone else, but this is my solid rule that I have to stick to.  It doesn't hurt others to eat healthy as well, though.

2. Weighing myself every single day is a must.  My trainer had once threatened to take my scale home with him, but he gave in when he realized I "needed" it.  It's a daily ritual when I get ready and, while it does make or break my day, it also helps reaffirm how I should conduct my day.  If I lost weight, I feel a little more lighthearted and I'm encouraged to continue to do well that day so I keep seeing the results.  If I gained, I am encouraged to step things up a bit so I don't continue to gain.  Either way, it's a win/win.

3. I must write down everything I eat, every day.  I've become a meticulous calorie counter.  I think about calories before I decide to eat something, which is good.  It does consume your life a bit, however.  (Pun not intended.)  When I was working with my trainer, I wrote everything out on a piece of paper and kept a collection of them.  Every time we got together, he reviewed them and based off of my progress, would adjust my calorie intake accordingly.  Mostly, it was to tell me to eat more, but still.  I would avoid eating bad things because I felt compelled not to cheat and knew I had to write it down.  Thus, anything I wrote down, he would see.  Totally helped.  Now, I have an app on my whackberry that allows me to do the same thing (thanks to Andrew for this).  I don't show it to anyone, but it helps me stay within a certain calorie range throughout my day.  It's easy to forget about something you might have eaten, especially if you're eating more frequent, smaller meals.  Even if it's an apple.  It still matters.

On a different note, I've been missing my kids like crazy.  I've been having nightmares about losing them, I can't stop thinking about them every second of every day, and I feel like I might go crazy during these moments they're not with me.  And I feel horrible guilt when I lose my patience with them right now.  For example, Drake spent 2 nights with me this week, even though it wasn't my week to have them, because of his day trip to Dutch Wonderland with his friend.  The first night he did great.  The 2nd night, we got home super late from the park and he was overly tired.  It was rough until I got him in bed.  The next morning was even worse.  I had a time constraint to get us both ready, him to his dad's and then me to work.  He refused to get out of bed.  And when I picked him up and set him in the hall, he refused to come downstairs.  He just sat there and whined.  I lost my patience and yelled as I was trying to explain to him that I was going to be late for work and his behavior was ridiculous.  I immediately regretted it and spent the whole trip to his dad's talking to him about why it is important to get ready when I tell him and apologizing for yelling.  I hated the fact that I had to drop him off and not see him for 2 days after that happened.  In fact, it makes me feel sick just thinking about it.  I don't want the moments that I have with them to ever be negative like that.  It's just not necessary.  Yes, they need discipline.  But still.  How do you handle these situations?  Regardless, I do get them after work today and I'm looking forward to a week of good quality time with them.  I want to take advantage of every second. 

Stress in general...I'm feeling that to the utmost extent lately.  Be it financial, kids, you name it...it's on my mind.  Things reach points that get very frustrating and you know it won't last.  However, when you know you've made positive changes already to help your situation improve and they still aren't getting better, you feel the weight even harder.  I just want to be calm, have everyone around me be calm, and things to go as planned.  If I can just get that...

Otherwise, things are what they are for the moment and that's the extent of my updates.  I've had great need to write these things down recently but I've not sat down in front of a computer outside of work for more than a couple minutes at a time for a couple of months now.  I see everything I really need on my phone and I don't normally bother with anything else.  Anyway, that's it for now and I'll hopefully be able to get to this regularly.

Enjoy the holiday weekend and celebrate our independence like crazy!!!!!