Money? Who needs money???

"Why do we let the one thing we don't have affect all the things we do have?" ~ Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City) While I'm not a fabulous single woman living in Manhattan, I do tend to do this all the time. It's like I'm subconsciously trying to avoid happiness. Stressing over...well, just about anything is a good way to enable this.

Currently, I'm stressing over money. I'm extremely talented at making stupid decisions when it comes to spending it. And, as with all avenues of my life, I don't listen to anyone who tries to stop me. That's all about to change. I'm sure some of you are rolling your eyes right now and saying, "Yeah right. I'll believe it when I see it." Touche. You're probably right in your predictions of how things will go. However, I'm going to make an honest effort. This time around, I have some backup and support (not that I didn't have it before, but this is new) that I think I can make myself pay attention to. Nonetheless, I'm working on a serious budget, paying off my student loans, not going out to eat, not going to a lot of shows (or out in general), and not spending needlessly on things I feel somehow I deserve simply because I'm fabulous in Shiremanstown. The cool thing is, I'm pretty much done with Christmas shopping. Maybe one or two little things for people yet, but pretty much done. I actually look forward to wrapping them all this weekend.

What else am I going to tackle this weekend? Well, seeing as how not much "out of the house" type of action will be going on, I'm planning an attempt to clean my kids' room. There is so much junk in there, you can't see the floor and can't fully open their door. I'm a little scared, and I may need to call in backup. But I figure with some good music, a drink or two, and maybe some chit chat along the way and I'll be good. I doubt I'll get it all done, but I want to at least be able to get in there and put clothes away or change their bed sheets for them (note: they've had to do this themselves and it's not been pretty). If you all don't hear from me for awhile, you may want to come check on me. This WILL get ugly.

On that note, I look forward to some peace this weekend, getting my haircut (don't panic), and spending some time at home. Let's see how this goes.

Relation...whahhh???

Realizations can be like pin pricks to your tush, but they can be most beneficial.  For example, I realized the other night, as I was yet again delirious with fever, that the last 2 years of my life can be summed up in several episodes of Sex and the City (1 1/2 years can be thrown out of the equation). Instead of running down the street screaming in fear, I decided to embrace the fact and run WITH it. My life is my life and I love learning from it...just never at the moment that it's happening. Like in matters of love, I have seen good and bad and irrational when it comes to relationships/dating/singledom. I've fallen for men maybe only twice, but I've wanted to fall many times over. What I really wonder is how many have ever fallen for me? Though, I'll be honest when I say that while I wonder, I'll lose interest in about an hour. The past is the past and it bears no weight on my life at present. Just the cat being curious.

But what makes a good relationship? Many say this is relative; it's different for everyone. For me, I can probably, but not completely, sum it up with a few key components:

• Exclusivity - Sure, I've had my casual relationships; but, when someone makes it clear that the casualness is preferred, then it's also clear that the relationship won't grow beyond that.( "We're not the exception; we're the rule." ~ He's Just Not That Into You) Don't get me wrong. That doesn't make that type of relationship bad or negative. If that's what you're good with at the moment, then it may be ideal for you. There have been times for me when this was the case. I'm just at a point where I'm ready to move past that. I can't talk future unless I know you're capable of devoting your attention to just one woman. No one wants to waste anyone's time when you consider that we don't really have much of it.
• Communication - I don't want anyone up my ass and I don't want to be up anyone else's. I like my "me" time and I get irritated when I see friends get interrupted by phone calls or texts from their significant others when they know they're out with friends. BUT...I also don't like going days without hearing from someone and not knowing what's going on. Are you busy, not feeling like talking to me, losing interest, seeing someone else...see how this could escalate? Sometimes, it's just a matter of needing some good ole common courtesy. A simple note or reply or something to say I'm caught up but all is well. Works wonders.
• Time - At this age, most of us have kids, jobs, etc. It's hard to divvy up that time equally. I don't ask to have as much time as your kids or your job, but I think it's important to make time for each other. Even if it's just an agreed upon date night, or whatever, one or two nights a week. Something you can depend upon, knowing you will get to see that person for sure that day/night.
• Attention - This goes along with time and communication combined. We can assume that when we're not around each other, that we at least think about each other. But making time to see each other or to communicate somehow with each other lets the other person know they have your attention.
• Faithfulness - See Exclusivity... Unless shown otherwise (be it miscommunication or not) we have to implicitly trust each other to be faithful. Otherwise, why even bother to start the relationship in the first place. That said, faithfulness is something that we should be able to depend on and not have to question. If you really can't hold up that end of the bargain, then tell the other person and remove yourself from the relationship immediately. Because clearly, it isn't for you.
• Love/Devotion - Some use the "L" word sooner than others. I say if you're comfortable knowing that's how you feel, then do/say what feels right. But even if you're not there yet, there's a level of devotion that shows how much you care. If you don't feel that's being reciprocated, then is it really a relationship?
• Sex - Argue this if you want, but I feel (at least for me) that sex is a healthy component to the relationship. It's very important to me, so if it's not a mutual thing or there's no compatibility, there will only be issues later in the relationship.
• Availability - This is a biggie. While I understand that certain circumstances may prevent total (normal) communication via specific methods...sigh...it would be nice to know that you can call on (or email, or text, or whatever) your significant other if you needed them; i.e. locked yourself out of the house, are delirious with fever, etc. as opposed to assuming they may not even see your message until a day or two later, by which time you may be frozen solid on your door step or dead on your bathroom floor. It just kinda sucks that others can get to them faster than you can. I'm not sure there's much out there that is more frustrating than this.

And then...I move on to other girly topics like weight. I neglected this thing I pay for every month called the gym during this never ending football season. As a result (because I'm still eating the same), I've gained 5 lbs, give or take. I've made efforts at home by buying a weight bench, weights, zumba Wii game, etc. While I use all of those things at home (sometimes), I find my best motivation comes from the gym, itself. When I'm there, and after, I just simply feel good. There's only one thing better, kids, and that's "censored for young viewers". And I'll have my cake and eat it too on that note. Nonetheless, I have found that for a variety of reasons, the gym has to be a regular part of my life. There really isn't a substitute for that sort of bliss. I eat right, never starve myself, and I just have to accept the fact that I am the type of person who needs constant exercise in my routine.

But enough of all of that. I've said too much on both these topics. Off we go towards another day.

Is It Friday Yet?

Today is my little sister's birthday.  Turning 22 must be really hard for her...lol.  So, of course, I started trying to remember what I was doing at 22.  My twins were almost 3; I was going to concerts like Evanescence, Pearl Jam, Godsmack, Nine Inch Nails; hanging out in Philly at the Electric Factory, The Trocadero Theatre; entertaining friends with small "get-togethers"; getting into the local music scene... What does my sister do at 22?  She's pregnant with her 1st child, married to a farmer, and hangs out with my mama.  But she's happy.  Thinking about all this makes me realize how totally different we are.  She seems pretty content in most ways, and I'm often searching for something.  I'm happy, but not yet content.  I will be, though.  It is what it is.

Coffee break...

I'm back, an onto the next topic.  Work.  I'd love to take this opportunity to bitch about my day to day bs, but I'm going to refrain.  Mainly because I'd like to continue to get paid.  Nonetheless, I guess I'm working 3 now?  So I have my day job, Victoria's Secret, and now I'm more or less helping with my friends' concession stand.  They own their own pizza shop, Parma, in Manchester (try the eggplant fries - insane), and ventured out to doing concessions during local games and fairs.  So, this weekend, I agreed to work 7-10 on Friday after my day job, 1-10 on Saturday, and ?-6 on Sunday.  Honestly, just thinking about it makes me feel tired.  But they need my help, and I need money.  Have no fear, though.  This doesn't mean I'm cutting off any fun and good company this weekend; you'll just have to wait until after 10...and a shower. =)  Also, if I can get someone to watch the kiddos on the 30th, I'll be working during the day at a motorcycle show, wearing something hot and delicious.  That said...

**Wait, I'm closing down tweet deck before I go crazy**

...I'm going to start a donation fund for my next cell phone.  As my boss pointed out, I go through phones faster than anyone he's ever met.  Think I can wait out a 2 year contract to get a new phone?  Ha!  Probably not even 1.  But I've always had either a warranty or at least a 1 year discount, so it never really hurt so bad.  The point is, my curve is about to go.  I have no option but to get a new phone, and I'd like to do it before it completely wipes out.  So, I started looking at my options, if you can call them that.  I definitely don't want the same thing I already have, and I can't not have a smart phone.  I'm looking at the Droid 2, but that beast is $450 full retail.  I'd rather cut off my neighbor's left arm than pay that much for a phone right now, especially considering how long it'll probably last me.  Admittedly, I'm a little bit pissy about this right now.  But feel free to make donations to my cell phone fund and maybe it'll all work out. 

Another reason for crankiness is my lack of gym time.  I'm sure I mentioned it before, but somehow I figure if I keep writing it in a public forum, I'd be more inclined to do something about it.  I don't think ppl realize how important it can be in your life.  I was used to going 6 days a week, and I'm seriously feeling it now that I'm not.  I have to get back into this somehow, come up with some sort of plan.  I know y'all understand this, so if they're any suggestions to make this work with a busy schedule, feel free to send them my way.  I have a feeling I'm going to be running during football practice this season and trying to lift early in the mornings if I can get the kids up and myself motivated.  But you do what you gotta do, I guess.  And I'll throw this out too, the days that I don't work out, I need to adjust my calorie intake and that's just too hard.  That would probably make a difference, and I just don't do it.  I'm all about being healthy and just want to keep that going.

On a positive note,  I'll end this by saying cheers to meeting new people...seriously.  I know I have no fear and I enjoy me a lot.  But I'm very pleased with my random choices at meeting people.  I think no matter what the capacity, it all turns out well in the end.  And I don't have these opportunities to bring new people into my life often, so when I do, it's nice to embrace it when you have the urge to connect with each other.  I'd love to elaborate on this, as it is my blog after all, but I'll keep this all to myself for now. 

Tomorrow...there will be a nice long story about football and the boy.  Tonight will not end well with equipment pickups.  Until then...

Texting Etiquette

As promised, today's blog will totally encompass the rules of texting...according to me.  I'm sure many times I have broken some cardinal rules in this arena and, if so, my bad.  However, it's important to make it clear that there are just certain things that are unacceptable.  So, I'm here to tell you how to avoid irritating those you text.

• This is the most important thing to remember.  Texting is not necessarily meant to be real time.  That means that if you send a text, you cannot expect to get a response right away.  Now, some of us typically keep our phones handy, so maybe you're getting spoiled because we normally respond so quickly.  However, texting means we don't have to.  Likewise, we understand that you may be busy, unavailable, or simply don't want to talk until you're ready.  We'll wait patiently, will you?
• On that note, if you don't get a response right away, do NOT follow up with a text that says, "Hello?"  I'm at the point that this will get you either an extremely smart ass response, a tirade of me telling you how rude you are and how valuable my time is, and/or me never responding to any of your texts ever again.
• Furthering that train of thought...if someone uses texting to invite you to an event, at least give a response of some sort at some point.  Not responding to an invitation at all is a bit rude.  If you're not responding because you're sick of hearing from that person, then buck up and tell them to stop texting you.  Make up something, I don't care.  But don't just not respond because invites require a yay/nay despite irritation.
• Stop trying to be someone's boyfriend/girlfriend.  If we are not in that sort of relationship, stop texting me every single day to say something stupid and unimportant about your day or to simply check up on mine.  In fact, even if you are my boyfriend, don't ever do that.  I guarantee I'll start rolling my eyes every time I get a text from you and I'll stop wanting to respond.  Keep in mind, though, it's okay to do that every once in awhile.  If done correctly, it lets the person know you're thinking about them randomly and that kinda feels good.
• MEN!  Stop asking women for pics.  We've all been trapped by this, so I'm not going to act holier than thou on this one.  But I can tell you, you'll get a lot more respect if you never ask.
• This is a personal pet peeve, but there are certain endearment terms that make me gag when I see them in text.  I'm not saying I necessarily care if you use them verbally (maybe I do), but definitely avoid them in text.  They are "boo", and "hun".  I don't know why, but they're like nails on a chalkboard.  Either come up with something better, or don't call me anything at all.
• Drunk texting...we're all guilty of this.  But there are a couple different levels of drunk texting we need to avoid.  I don't mind the gibberish ones because they make me laugh.  But the obvious, "Can I come over?", and the like are unacceptable.  Drunken invitations are obvious and a bit insulting.  I, too, have a problem with all types of drunk texting and I've even gone as far as to delete some people's #s to remove them from harm's way.  I don't do it with everyone, but there are certain people that I immediately go to. (You're welcome, if I deleted you.)

Alright, kids.  I think that's at least the most important points.  I'm switching up a line from Yo Gabba Gabba here, but DON'T IRRITATE YOU'RE FRIENDS!!!!!

Falling In & Out of Hate

Sing to me, and I might just find a place for you in my heart (or get your bottom lip pierced because that drives me insane).  Otherwise...

I met a couple this weekend from Jersey who now reside in Lancaster after retirement.  I've never met a couple who seemed more in love and simply enjoyed each other's presence.  Of course, I have no clue what it means to be in love like that, but I imagine that this couple epitomize whatever that is.  More interesting to me is the fact that the guy was a member of a gospel group called the Raw Silvertones from, I think, 1959 to 1982 (and it's possible I even heard the name wrong).  Not sure why that stuck with me, except that music follows me everywhere.  I asked him if they ever made any recordings, and his response was that he has a 45 somewhere.  I laugh only because my first thought was, I wonder if I can get this stuff on iTunes.  All in all, these two people were somehow very impressive to me (especially once I got them talking) and I can't deny that they affected me greatly.

Next up is admission time.  Oh, no, wait.  I'm not ready for that yet...

Image via Wikipedia

Next!  New stuff out this summer like the new Limp Bizkit album, released yesterday.  I know they're a "love 'em or hate 'em" kind of band, but I'll always feel a bit sentimental towards them.  LB & Kid Rock (back when he was cool) was my first real concert experience in Pittsburgh.  Nick asked me to go that day, very last minute.  So, I convinced our great friend, Burke Bowen, to cover my shift at work and just took off west.  Two incredible acts that really knew how to get an audience moving.  Honestly, it was an experience I'll never forget.  It definitely helped to shape the summer of 1999.  So this album!  I think it goes back to the 3 Dollar Bill days when their music was less mainstream.  I haven't taken it out of my cd player since I got it.  And go buy the deluxe version at Best Buy; 4 bonus tracks are on it from what I understand.

Also, a little somethin for you all to look forward to this summer...  A friend is moving forward with a great concept that I am going to try and help bring to the surface of reality.  Starting as a facebook group, the idea is to create a place where individuals who have gone through a bad breakup, separation, or divorce can connect/network with others who have been in a similar place.  Discussions will be facilitated, but the group will allow people to share their experiences, thoughts, suggestions, and tips on going through these types of situations.  I think it'll be a great opportunity for people to talk things out, hear from others who've already been there, and maybe even work through some of their situations.  It will be nice to know you're not alone and are amongst friends.  So, if you are someone who thinks you might like to try this out, let me know.  Further, I'd like to hear some feedback on what you might like to see in a group like this.  What would you be looking for?  Think about it, and I'll start giving more details as the project moves along.  Also, look for invites coming soon from Connect the Hearts.

Sex and the Bitchy

I read today that chewing gum helps reduce stress levels by either producing or reducing a certain chemical. I couldn't tell you what it is because I didn't find it interesting enough to retain the information. But what I was curious about was whether or not this could reduce anger levels as well. As in, I don't want my hands to find themselves around your sorry neck, so I'm just going to chew this piece of gum for a minute and calm myself down. Nothing scientific here, but I'll try it out and let you know how it goes.

On that note, I deleted two more numbers today from my phone. Call it "Mission: Clean House"; I don't care. Though, it's more like mission impossible for me if we want to be realistic. But I'm determined to eliminate people from my life that, plain and simply, piss me off. I just want a few minutes to vent about individuals who are so hypocritical, who lie so much they lie to themselves, who lack at least a decade's worth of maturity but call themselves men, who are so scared of what's in front of them they can't enjoy it for the honesty of what it is. But I'm not going to do that right now because my gum is upstairs and I'd need several pieces to calmly write that out.

Furthering this train of thought, I'm making a serious transition away from saying yes to people who fix me up with "men". A couple things to note here...

1) I don't need help finding men. Granted, my choices in men thus far have SUCKED as they've all either turned out to be complete assholes or complete pigs...or both, naturally. But still, the "help" is just as insulting and you're not doing me any favors. Clearly, this is a fresh topic for me and I'm irritated.

2) When fixing people up with others, the general idea is to bring together two individuals who share similar interests and have at least a possibility of being attracted to each other. If you can't do that, DON'T try to continue the attempt. It will not work and at least one of these people will end up mad at you. Also, if you don't know what someone's looking for (or not looking for), ask them. That common courtesy will go a long way.

3) I'm not opportunistic like some. So, please stop thinking I am and using this in your "help" to me.

So, to make all this clear...I don't want to meet or date or anything else with your friend, your relative, the guy you met walking your dog. I got this. And, though others seem to think differently, you will never meet my friends or family as this also ends badly. Deal? Deal.

Also! Cause I'm on a roll here. Friends are friends are friends. If you feel the need to contact me for business type help with music or tech related things and you aren't really my friend, don't. I'm not in those environments to make big money or meet contacts that will elevate my position in life. I am among friends and things I enjoy. However, I will truly help my real friends whenever they need it, without fail, to the best of my ability.

Alright, I'm done.  Do I feel a little better writing that out?  Not really.  I know that those who are clueless remain clueless and while things change, people don't.  It's best to eliminate the issues.

On to the next one! And to use Joey's fave quote from Rambo, "It's over, Johnny.  It's OVER!!!"

The Importance of Being Ernest

Image via Wikipedia

"I'm Okay With This Being Casual"

If you're having a casual relationship with a guy, whether or not there are "benefits," and you're not really okay with the way things are going, don't lie to yourself or him and say that you're perfectly fine with a casual relationship. Be honest with yourself and admit the truth - sometimes that scare will be enough to encourage him to take it a step further. If he doesn't want to, then you know where the two of you stand and you can either continue on with the casual relationship or you can move on without him. 

This is an excerpt from an article I read while randomly checking my horoscope (sometimes you just gotta).  The article is a Yahoo contribution by Lauren Romano.  Pretty spot on, if you ask me.  And this is the philosophy I've been using for the last 3 years.  There's one flaw in my own method, but I'll get to that in a minute.

First, I have to give two examples of the 'casual relationship' scenario, but will start with my own version of the philosophy.  At this moment in my life, I am not surrounded by many men that would make sense in my life as a permanent fixture.  Maybe it's not being able to live up to my checklist; maybe it's because it wouldn't be mutual (for reasons only they can tell: not being ready, not feeling a certain way about me, or just not wanting that type of relationship for themselves at all).  But the short and sweet of it is that I am not "there".  So, if I want to have casual relationships until I do find what I want, so be it.  For the most part, I'm very open about this with men because they need to know that up front.  If either party feels that way, it's best to know from the beginning so you can decide if that's what you're okay with or not.  Like the article pointed out, though, you may not know you're okay with it or not until you find yourself deeper in the relationship.  Spending time with someone will definitely pull you one way or another.  And I say that I am open about it for the "most part" because sometimes it's so obvious what it is that no one has to verbally throw it out there.  I'm beginning to realize this is a mistake, but that's what I've been going with.  The point is, you have to have honesty on both sides.  If you tell me it'll never happen beyond what it is, I now have the opportunity to say that's cool, or no thanks I'll move on...and vice verse.

So, here's what I've experienced recently...

Man #1:  It is understood, without having ever said a word, that what we have/had is, and will only be, a casual thing.  At this point in time, I'm fine with that.  However, the behavior, which I feel is a direct result of fear, is getting to be so annoying that I am prepared to walk away for good.  I believe he is afraid that if he stays a little too long, has an actual conversation about anything personal, or shows any amount of real affection, I will somehow get the wrong idea about what our relationship is.  It's sad to me because he truly comes off as an @$$hole when he doesn't realize that it's really okay not to want to be exclusively committed to someone.  Maybe I should take some responsibility and say that I should have spoken my mind about what I did or did not want from the beginning, but I didn't.  And it's obvious to me that he never will.

Man #2:  It is also understood with this person that a casual relationship is okay in my book, but we learned this about each other by talking about it.  No one brought up the subject awkwardly; it just came up naturally in a comfortable conversation.  He actually talks to me in addition to listening to what I have to say.  Not only did we come to the conclusion that we are on the same page, it was actually a relief to both of us to have the words spoken aloud.  In addition, we are now able to completely enjoy each other's company with no pretenses or silent fear that someone's going to get the wrong impression.  It's nice.

In conclusion, it's incredibly important to be up front and honest as much as you can be in a situation.  Everyone deserves that.  More importantly, you need to be honest with yourself, also pointed out in the article.  If you want a relationship or you don't, it's okay.  You want what you want and, eventually, you'll find someone who shares those thoughts.  No sense making yourself miserable being in a situation you don't want to be in.  And, of course, things have a tendency to change.  One person may certainly fall for the other more than intended.  When two people are compatible enough to begin any kind of relationship together, it makes sense that this could happen.  Now, I'm a firm believer that you cross that bridge when you get to it.  But when you do, treat it like you did at the beginning.  Share these newly changed feelings and your next set of actions can be based on the response.  Just don't lie to your self or them.  Keep it real. 

On that note:

No Sleep for the Wicked

This has been an interesting week & a half for me fo sho.  I met someone who I  "clicked" with right away for the first time in so long.  Of course, his current situation means that a friendship is the only option for now.  It's the right way to handle this, and I can appreciate and respect the reasons that are in front of me.  At the same time, I'm very frustrated.  But that's my problem, not his.  I get his company almost every day in some capacity, and I will accept that for what it is and keep it positive.  Besides, I feel that a great friendship is a wonderful thing to have and hey...maybe this is fate intervening.  Maybe this is a way to force me into slowing down a bit and avoid people and things that are potentially dangerous for me.  I'm just saying...the glass is half full.

Enough of that.  My 2nd job is just plain awesome.  I had the absolute best night there last week.  I worked the "beauty" room and yeah, I worked it.  It was so easy to get people motivated to spend money on stuff from that room because I was just plain out having fun with them.  Engaging customers is one thing, but taking it a few steps beyond makes it feel like I'm not working and they're not being sold something.  It's a win/win.  Plus, in all my fun, I must have been wearing every scent we had in that store.  It's like a toy room.  At one point, my manager says, "Ooh, you smell good."  I just laughed and replied, "I smell like a French whore!"  I'm not sure they know how to take me yet... The point is that I'm pretty happy and comfortable there, and I absolutely love all the girls I work with.

And now for the portion of the show where I confess horrible, awful things.  Don't worry, I'll keep sex out of it.  Unless I start getting requests.  But I ain't no Anais Nin, folks, so be careful what you ask for.  Anyway, my first confession is a scary mommy moment.  Here goes:

After paying AAA to come out and unlock my truck that the kids locked my keys in (they were cleaning it out for me), we were ready to walk out the door and head to book club.  Drake, bless his little heart, was wearing an Easter bucket on his head.  Understand that I didn't question this at the moment because he's a kid.  Plus, he's a product of Nick & I which pretty much means he's also a weird kid.  In the middle of dinner at book club I decide to ask the reason for the bucket.  His response was that he just wanted to wear it (imagine as much attitude as possible being thrown from this kid's soul as he's saying this).  Pardon me for asking.  But Trent decides it's time to fill me in.  He says, "Thats not exactly the truth.  Feel the back of his head."  Sure enough, there's a huge lump.  If you are aware of even half the head injuries this child has brought on for himself over the past year, you'd understand why I take these things very seriously.  After I explain the severity of the situation, I asked all three of them why no one told me.  According to Roz, Drake was jumping off the bed (or something to that effect) and didn't want to tell me he got hurt because he was afraid he'd get in trouble.  This would be a result of the fact that he's been told a gazillion times NOT to do that because that's how he continues to get hurt.  So, Roz said he was screaming at her not to tell me.  Naturally, I asked where I was when all this commotion was going on.  Answer?  Roz: Oh, you had your headphones in or were on the phone or something.  Nice one... Don't worry, I wasn't going to say yes to babysitting your kids anyway.  Oh! Almost forgot.  While carrying a sleeping Drake out of the house to go home, I banged his head off the door frame.  No comment...

Image by rdpeyton via Flickr

Confession #2 is food related.  Mother's day ended with a great friend bringing me my favorite, taco pizza from JoJo's.  Oh, it's so mouth watering. I had 3 slices that night and 2 for dinner tonight.  Yes, that affected my weight by 2 lbs.  But I don't regret it.  That was some guilt free yumminess.  I will totally be back on track tomorrow, though.  I even packed my lunch  already.  It consists of Special K, celery & peanut butter, V-8 tomato soup, and grapes.  Then I'm planning some delicious eggs on oatmeal toast for dinner.  I got this.  Plus, I'm doing this weight loss challenge, and I have to take it seriously.

Okay, kids.  I'm exhausted now somehow, so I'll end this nonsense.  Until next time...

Fighting For New Territory

I almost always have interesting weekends to speak of, but also almost always feel like I should be changing the names of people and places for privacy and fear of getting sued. Is this good or bad? Anyway, I'll get right down to it.

During Friday's gym session, I got to chatting with one of my 'gym bros' (yeah, I have those) about the workings of the gym, the people who take naps on the equipment, thus making circuit training virtually impossible, and...ourselves. Truly, I enjoyed talking to this guy. Our convo ended with his plan to return home to his wife and test out that bottle of wine he set out for air, and me? I was planning a nice quiet trip to Rock Bass Grill, all by myself, to drink a couple of jack & diets, nibble on the contents of a veggie plate, and read/write. I'd even put my headphones in so no one would be tempted to bother me. Crazy to wanna be anti social in a social environment, right? I couldn't tell you...I never actually went. I ended up with the urge to check out what was going on at the Appalatian Brewing Company. Long story short, a few jack & diet doubles later I'm carrying a drum kit out the back door with a guy in a kilt. At least he was from the same clan...nothing more that is legal can be added to that story. Hahaha...I kid. I kid.

Saturday might have topped interesting even with my standards. I spent a lovely day at my daughter's opening day softball double header, got some sun...burn, and chatted with some great people. I was invited to go out later that night to Rod's Roadhouse with a friend and her boyfriend. I'd never been there and wasn't sure it was my thing, but I also figured it would be cool to give it a try and be in the company of a fun friend. I was very right. I don't know how many of you have been there, but I felt like I was the catch of the day in an Asian fish market. Well, what I would imagine that would feel like, anyway. Now here's the thing. At some points it went from being flattering to being annoying, to making me wanna throw down...or up, depending on who it was. I think it was the place or something because it was truly abnormal behavior going on. Saved by the very kind bouncer a couple of times, I made it through the night and had a ton of fun. The subsequent diner experience with him was also quite nice. All in all, I feel I walked away from that with no less than a new friend whose company I really enjoy.

So, I ended on a good note. Though good notes never really end, and mine is still going. Remember always, no expectations...

Why, I Oughtta...

I wanted to write about my relationships, in order, since I left my husband.  Can you believe I'm starting to forget about some of them?  So maybe I'll just write about the ones that were important to me, the ones I remember EVERYTHING about.  The Ryans and Brians and bears, oh my!  Bring the good, the bad, the ugly, and oh god the naughty moments these last two years.  I do fear I will scare the hell out of people and even more will simply never understand.  But I can guarantee most will be wishing they could live this life for a hot five minutes.  After all, that's sometimes all it takes.  I don't know how long this will take me to complete; honestly, I don't know if I can bring myself to divulge some of the details I hold inside my mind about these experiences, but...I'm going to make a sincere effort to bring it forth.  Who knows what it will do for me and others?  Also, publicly announcing that I'm going to make this attempt somewhat makes me hold myself accountable to actually do it.

Aside from that, I am in love with myself and the gym.  I used to make fun of my secretly dubbed, Mr. Awesome, for admiring himself in the weight room mirrors.  But then I realized that I do the exact same thing.  God love him, this man knows my heart.  Plus he's nice to everyone that works out around us, so I can't really take issue with his narcissism when I see no negative effects.  Keep it up, Mr. Awesome.  Keep it up.  As for me, it's easy to pick out my flaws.  However, I've never loved my body more (except in high school, but I took it for granted then).  I even love my large c-section scars because hey, they came about for three very important reasons and are a testament to the best things that ever came about in my life.  They are a part of me, and I admire their existence.  I yell at them sometimes because they made the alteration of my body in a positive way extremely difficult, but...did I mention how awesome my shoulder area is? 

On this line of thinking, I've agreed to start on a 13 week? weight loss challenge as the sixth team member for a couple of my friends.  Basically, this will consist of all things I'm doing now with a low calorie/high protein eating plan (important to note that this is not a diet but how I eat...period), regular exercise, but the addition of important natural vitamins and minerals to ensure that my body really is getting what it needs.  Of course the winning team gets something, though I don't know exactly what yet.  I'll admit this is some good incentive, along with some good old fashion competition and the fear of letting my teammates down.  Needless to say, I intend to kick some arse...and my own into better shape while I'm at it.

Also!  I was invited by a fighter at my gym to tag along to his Brazilian Jiu Jitsu gym.  I'm so insanely excited.  I highly doubt they'll let me do anything but watch, but this is probably in everyone's best interests at the moment anyway.  For those of you that are not familiar, I'll give you the Wikipedia definition. It's a martial art, combat sport, and self defense system that focuses on grappling and especially ground fighting.  The art was derived from the Japanese martial art of Kodokan judo in the early 20th century.  Read on if you want to know more: http://en.m.Wikipedia.org/wiki/Brazilian_Jiu_Jitsu .  Most of you are aware of my deep love and admiration for mma.  BJJ is one style of fighting that is heavily used in the sport and I find it terribly exciting along with the people who use and excel in it, such as the masters that are the Gracie family.  I'll be sure to fill you all in after I go.

Image via Wikipedia

Tip of the day before I watch a movie?  Open your hearts and minds but close your wallets and mouths, especially in regard to politics.  If your looking for a good fight and something/someone to spend money on, just come on over to my place.  You'll be quite welcome. :)

Stop. Collaborate and Listen.

Funny that I have started and stopped this blog about 15 different times over the last several months.  Why?  I guess I felt I had stuff to say, but I didn't quite have the conviction to actually say it.  No biggie.  Today, I feel the need to set myself straight and anyone else who might need it.  That's right.

So, reflection makes you think about the negatives in your life.  My only negative, I guess, is lack of green.  And no, I don't mean weed; I mean money.  I don't mean own a condo in NYC and playing around kind of money.  I mean the kind of money that pays all my bills and allows me to treat myself or my kids once in a while in such a way that I'm "comfortable".  I've been looking into the whole 2nd job thing for some time now.  I get close and then say I can't do it because of the next kid sport that comes up or I wonder how it would work having the kids every other week.  But!  How am I going to pay for these sports if I don't have the money for it?  Plus, it's not something that I have to do forever.  So...tomorrow at lunch, my plan is to go check this out.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Next!  No one really wants other people to talk about relationships.  I know this because I get annoyed when I see it.  Anyway, there seems to be a bit of a misconception about the right/wrong way to live one's life where relationships between men and women are concerned.  This is especially true when it comes to those who want to stick their noses in where it doesn't belong.  So, allow me to explain how I view all of this from my perspective.

• I am divorced, meaning that I previously had a very seriously committed relationship that I no longer have.  It is not my intention to find myself back in the same position I was in before.  Were I to do that, what would be the point of having gotten a divorce in the first place?  I do not need a man in my life to support me, financially, emotionally, or otherwise to make me whole.  So...I'm not planning on rushing this commitment thing.  No, thank you.
• I actually like dating.  I never did that before I was married.  I was 18, so the only "dating" experience I had prior to that was in high school.  This is a totally different ball game.  Dating as an adult has its ups and downs, sure.  But it not only allows me to learn more about me, but it helps me determine what I do and do not want in a man.  I appreciate that.  Not to mention, I've met a lot of wonderful people that, while we might not be the right people for each other, we have great experiences and sometimes create lasting friendships.  
• On that note, I'm almost 30.  If I want to have casual relationships either because I'm not ready for a permanent commitment or I haven't found "the one" yet, there is nothing wrong with that.  Yes, the dating world is scary.  I do most seriously appreciate those who care enough to worry about me and even more the ones who want to tell me so.  But, there's a difference between telling me to be safe because I worry about you and telling me I'm wrong and a horrible person because I'm not settling down with just one person.  The latter people can mind their own business and should probably try to look at their own lives before passing judgment.  I don't need that.
• I LOVE ME!!!  Some view dating and not settling down as a way to get attention because of a lack of self esteem or some other mental disorder.  However, I think it's important for my family and friends to know that this is not something to be concerned about with me.  I love who I am.  I'm very proud of myself and my accomplishments.  Physically, I'm proud of the weight that I've lost (almost 100 lbs); I'm proud of how I look (though I'd like to make that even better); I'm proud of my healthy lifestyle and how that affects myself and my kids.  Otherwise, I'm proud of my educational accomplishments, my career accomplishments, and my ambition to always want to go further and never be stagnant.  These things make me happy.  Not that this means I'm never stressed as that is something totally different.  So, please don't assume that I have self esteem issues simply because I do not live my life the same way you do.  And please don't make your problems my problems.
• I do struggle some days, though rarely, about whether I ever want to have that forever lasting type of relationship again.  There are days when I wish I could find that.  But just because you hear me say it once, doesn't mean there's a layer of denial that's covering up those feelings.  There are certainly positives about those types of relationships that I would enjoy.  However, there are also cons that, until I find the right person, I'm not willing to put up with.  So, the next day I could very well be reminded of why I don't want to settle down just yet.  So, again, I know what I'm doing.

Ok, so that was a bit long, but probably what needed to be said most.  In closing, I just want to add that like everyone on this silly planet, I am not perfect.  I struggle, I fight, but I'm trying to live.  All I ask is that you either live with me or not.  Don't make me feel bad about myself because of your opinions.  It is my own responsibility to make myself happy and I will keep revisiting what I need to do to get there as many times as it takes in my lifetime.  But it is ME who will get me there, not some magical man being who's going to make my life a fairytale.  Though, if he comes along and wants to join me in this mission, by all means I'd like the company.  Plus, a girl's got some needs, if ya know what I mean.  Nonetheless, I hope to not only be the person who propels myself further, but I'd like to be the person who can help others do the same for themselves.