...by Seven Mary Three, the band of my teenage years. Heartbreak, hospitals, moving boxes, and family. That's what I remember most about the end of that era. The next decade (and a couple more years) flew by way too fast, but maybe for good reason. Yet as quick as that time left me in the dust, I've been left with many gifts from those days.
Right now, having moved on quite a bit, I sit here with a half clean house (I'm telling you, this is progress) and a heart full of love and a mind full of chaos. And, of course, I'm listening to Seven Mary Three. I know I had a discussion earlier this week with my loving mama that I didn't really want to have. Something triggered my emotional gag reflex and I spewed forth thoughts I've kept from her for a long time. I told her things that I've been telling my sister for quite some time, but she's different. Though she is certainly protective, I consider my sister rather objective. She listens to the good, the bad, and the ugly, but I feel she judges pretty fairly. If I'm being taken advantage of, she doesn't hesitate to force that to my attention. At the same time, she doesn't have a problem telling me when I'm being a complete ass and overreacting. Most importantly, when I need consoling, she's there to deal it out. My mama...for too long, she's played the role of mama and dad, meaning while she tries to listen and give me relationship advice, she also can be a hard-hearted protector. I'm afraid if I tell her something negative (and I try to tell all, not just the bad), she'll hold that grudge forever and treat the person I'm with unfairly. Don't get me wrong, as a mother I understand this completely. But the other night, I guess it had been building up too long and I let loose. So much, in fact, I don't even remember half of what I told her. It was something I needed, though.
I've been here before, but I've come to some conclusions about my current position and why I treat my relationship the way that I do. I have found myself being suspicious but not being able to justify those suspicions with actions or words. I have doubted when I should believe. And, I have grossly underestimated the power and, at the same time, the comfort this love is giving me. Why? None of us are perfect, but I think it is quite possibly my fault. If you don't agree because of a certain incident, please don't comment here. We'll talk, if you want. But I've decided I want to give my heart a chance and let the wall down a bit. I'm in love. I have to accept that this person is not the men of my past. I cannot hold him accountable for what others have done. I can't assume that I always make the wrong decisions with relationships and that I should live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think that's unfair...for both of us, really. I love and appreciate what I have. So, I'm going to concentrate on that; concentrate on him and my family (and my friends that are family). I want to keep things positive, and I truly believe this is the direction I need to go right now. It's very important to me.
In conclusion, I didn't want to put a single word of that in writing. But if I say it, it's real. The End...
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Friday, December 9, 2011
Money? Who needs money???
"Why do we let the one thing we don't have affect all the things we do have?" ~ Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City) While I'm not a fabulous single woman living in Manhattan, I do tend to do this all the time. It's like I'm subconsciously trying to avoid happiness. Stressing over...well, just about anything is a good way to enable this.
Currently, I'm stressing over money. I'm extremely talented at making stupid decisions when it comes to spending it. And, as with all avenues of my life, I don't listen to anyone who tries to stop me. That's all about to change. I'm sure some of you are rolling your eyes right now and saying, "Yeah right. I'll believe it when I see it." Touche. You're probably right in your predictions of how things will go. However, I'm going to make an honest effort. This time around, I have some backup and support (not that I didn't have it before, but this is new) that I think I can make myself pay attention to. Nonetheless, I'm working on a serious budget, paying off my student loans, not going out to eat, not going to a lot of shows (or out in general), and not spending needlessly on things I feel somehow I deserve simply because I'm fabulous in Shiremanstown. The cool thing is, I'm pretty much done with Christmas shopping. Maybe one or two little things for people yet, but pretty much done. I actually look forward to wrapping them all this weekend.
What else am I going to tackle this weekend? Well, seeing as how not much "out of the house" type of action will be going on, I'm planning an attempt to clean my kids' room. There is so much junk in there, you can't see the floor and can't fully open their door. I'm a little scared, and I may need to call in backup. But I figure with some good music, a drink or two, and maybe some chit chat along the way and I'll be good. I doubt I'll get it all done, but I want to at least be able to get in there and put clothes away or change their bed sheets for them (note: they've had to do this themselves and it's not been pretty). If you all don't hear from me for awhile, you may want to come check on me. This WILL get ugly.
On that note, I look forward to some peace this weekend, getting my haircut (don't panic), and spending some time at home. Let's see how this goes.
Currently, I'm stressing over money. I'm extremely talented at making stupid decisions when it comes to spending it. And, as with all avenues of my life, I don't listen to anyone who tries to stop me. That's all about to change. I'm sure some of you are rolling your eyes right now and saying, "Yeah right. I'll believe it when I see it." Touche. You're probably right in your predictions of how things will go. However, I'm going to make an honest effort. This time around, I have some backup and support (not that I didn't have it before, but this is new) that I think I can make myself pay attention to. Nonetheless, I'm working on a serious budget, paying off my student loans, not going out to eat, not going to a lot of shows (or out in general), and not spending needlessly on things I feel somehow I deserve simply because I'm fabulous in Shiremanstown. The cool thing is, I'm pretty much done with Christmas shopping. Maybe one or two little things for people yet, but pretty much done. I actually look forward to wrapping them all this weekend.
What else am I going to tackle this weekend? Well, seeing as how not much "out of the house" type of action will be going on, I'm planning an attempt to clean my kids' room. There is so much junk in there, you can't see the floor and can't fully open their door. I'm a little scared, and I may need to call in backup. But I figure with some good music, a drink or two, and maybe some chit chat along the way and I'll be good. I doubt I'll get it all done, but I want to at least be able to get in there and put clothes away or change their bed sheets for them (note: they've had to do this themselves and it's not been pretty). If you all don't hear from me for awhile, you may want to come check on me. This WILL get ugly.
On that note, I look forward to some peace this weekend, getting my haircut (don't panic), and spending some time at home. Let's see how this goes.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Relation...whahhh???
Realizations can be like pin pricks to your tush, but they can be most beneficial. For example, I realized the other night, as I was yet again delirious with fever, that the last 2 years of my life can be summed up in several episodes of Sex and the City (1 1/2 years can be thrown out of the equation). Instead of running down the street screaming in fear, I decided to embrace the fact and run WITH it. My life is my life and I love learning from it...just never at the moment that it's happening. Like in matters of love, I have seen good and bad and irrational when it comes to relationships/dating/singledom. I've fallen for men maybe only twice, but I've wanted to fall many times over. What I really wonder is how many have ever fallen for me? Though, I'll be honest when I say that while I wonder, I'll lose interest in about an hour. The past is the past and it bears no weight on my life at present. Just the cat being curious.
But what makes a good relationship? Many say this is relative; it's different for everyone. For me, I can probably, but not completely, sum it up with a few key components:
And then...I move on to other girly topics like weight. I neglected this thing I pay for every month called the gym during this never ending football season. As a result (because I'm still eating the same), I've gained 5 lbs, give or take. I've made efforts at home by buying a weight bench, weights, zumba Wii game, etc. While I use all of those things at home (sometimes), I find my best motivation comes from the gym, itself. When I'm there, and after, I just simply feel good. There's only one thing better, kids, and that's "censored for young viewers". And I'll have my cake and eat it too on that note. Nonetheless, I have found that for a variety of reasons, the gym has to be a regular part of my life. There really isn't a substitute for that sort of bliss. I eat right, never starve myself, and I just have to accept the fact that I am the type of person who needs constant exercise in my routine.
But enough of all of that. I've said too much on both these topics. Off we go towards another day.
But what makes a good relationship? Many say this is relative; it's different for everyone. For me, I can probably, but not completely, sum it up with a few key components:
- Exclusivity - Sure, I've had my casual relationships; but, when someone makes it clear that the casualness is preferred, then it's also clear that the relationship won't grow beyond that.( "We're not the exception; we're the rule." ~ He's Just Not That Into You) Don't get me wrong. That doesn't make that type of relationship bad or negative. If that's what you're good with at the moment, then it may be ideal for you. There have been times for me when this was the case. I'm just at a point where I'm ready to move past that. I can't talk future unless I know you're capable of devoting your attention to just one woman. No one wants to waste anyone's time when you consider that we don't really have much of it.
- Communication - I don't want anyone up my ass and I don't want to be up anyone else's. I like my "me" time and I get irritated when I see friends get interrupted by phone calls or texts from their significant others when they know they're out with friends. BUT...I also don't like going days without hearing from someone and not knowing what's going on. Are you busy, not feeling like talking to me, losing interest, seeing someone else...see how this could escalate? Sometimes, it's just a matter of needing some good ole common courtesy. A simple note or reply or something to say I'm caught up but all is well. Works wonders.
- Time - At this age, most of us have kids, jobs, etc. It's hard to divvy up that time equally. I don't ask to have as much time as your kids or your job, but I think it's important to make time for each other. Even if it's just an agreed upon date night, or whatever, one or two nights a week. Something you can depend upon, knowing you will get to see that person for sure that day/night.
- Attention - This goes along with time and communication combined. We can assume that when we're not around each other, that we at least think about each other. But making time to see each other or to communicate somehow with each other lets the other person know they have your attention.
- Faithfulness - See Exclusivity... Unless shown otherwise (be it miscommunication or not) we have to implicitly trust each other to be faithful. Otherwise, why even bother to start the relationship in the first place. That said, faithfulness is something that we should be able to depend on and not have to question. If you really can't hold up that end of the bargain, then tell the other person and remove yourself from the relationship immediately. Because clearly, it isn't for you.
- Love/Devotion - Some use the "L" word sooner than others. I say if you're comfortable knowing that's how you feel, then do/say what feels right. But even if you're not there yet, there's a level of devotion that shows how much you care. If you don't feel that's being reciprocated, then is it really a relationship?
- Sex - Argue this if you want, but I feel (at least for me) that sex is a healthy component to the relationship. It's very important to me, so if it's not a mutual thing or there's no compatibility, there will only be issues later in the relationship.
- Availability - This is a biggie. While I understand that certain circumstances may prevent total (normal) communication via specific methods...sigh...it would be nice to know that you can call on (or email, or text, or whatever) your significant other if you needed them; i.e. locked yourself out of the house, are delirious with fever, etc. as opposed to assuming they may not even see your message until a day or two later, by which time you may be frozen solid on your door step or dead on your bathroom floor. It just kinda sucks that others can get to them faster than you can. I'm not sure there's much out there that is more frustrating than this.
And then...I move on to other girly topics like weight. I neglected this thing I pay for every month called the gym during this never ending football season. As a result (because I'm still eating the same), I've gained 5 lbs, give or take. I've made efforts at home by buying a weight bench, weights, zumba Wii game, etc. While I use all of those things at home (sometimes), I find my best motivation comes from the gym, itself. When I'm there, and after, I just simply feel good. There's only one thing better, kids, and that's "censored for young viewers". And I'll have my cake and eat it too on that note. Nonetheless, I have found that for a variety of reasons, the gym has to be a regular part of my life. There really isn't a substitute for that sort of bliss. I eat right, never starve myself, and I just have to accept the fact that I am the type of person who needs constant exercise in my routine.
But enough of all of that. I've said too much on both these topics. Off we go towards another day.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Is It Friday Yet?
Today is my little sister's birthday. Turning 22 must be really hard for her...lol. So, of course, I started trying to remember what I was doing at 22. My twins were almost 3; I was going to concerts like Evanescence, Pearl Jam, Godsmack, Nine Inch Nails; hanging out in Philly at the Electric Factory, The Trocadero Theatre; entertaining friends with small "get-togethers"; getting into the local music scene... What does my sister do at 22? She's pregnant with her 1st child, married to a farmer, and hangs out with my mama. But she's happy. Thinking about all this makes me realize how totally different we are. She seems pretty content in most ways, and I'm often searching for something. I'm happy, but not yet content. I will be, though. It is what it is.
Coffee break...
I'm back, an onto the next topic. Work. I'd love to take this opportunity to bitch about my day to day bs, but I'm going to refrain. Mainly because I'd like to continue to get paid. Nonetheless, I guess I'm working 3 now? So I have my day job, Victoria's Secret, and now I'm more or less helping with my friends' concession stand. They own their own pizza shop, Parma, in Manchester (try the eggplant fries - insane), and ventured out to doing concessions during local games and fairs. So, this weekend, I agreed to work 7-10 on Friday after my day job, 1-10 on Saturday, and ?-6 on Sunday. Honestly, just thinking about it makes me feel tired. But they need my help, and I need money. Have no fear, though. This doesn't mean I'm cutting off any fun and good company this weekend; you'll just have to wait until after 10...and a shower. =) Also, if I can get someone to watch the kiddos on the 30th, I'll be working during the day at a motorcycle show, wearing something hot and delicious. That said...
**Wait, I'm closing down tweet deck before I go crazy**
...I'm going to start a donation fund for my next cell phone. As my boss pointed out, I go through phones faster than anyone he's ever met. Think I can wait out a 2 year contract to get a new phone? Ha! Probably not even 1. But I've always had either a warranty or at least a 1 year discount, so it never really hurt so bad. The point is, my curve is about to go. I have no option but to get a new phone, and I'd like to do it before it completely wipes out. So, I started looking at my options, if you can call them that. I definitely don't want the same thing I already have, and I can't not have a smart phone. I'm looking at the Droid 2, but that beast is $450 full retail. I'd rather cut off my neighbor's left arm than pay that much for a phone right now, especially considering how long it'll probably last me. Admittedly, I'm a little bit pissy about this right now. But feel free to make donations to my cell phone fund and maybe it'll all work out.
Another reason for crankiness is my lack of gym time. I'm sure I mentioned it before, but somehow I figure if I keep writing it in a public forum, I'd be more inclined to do something about it. I don't think ppl realize how important it can be in your life. I was used to going 6 days a week, and I'm seriously feeling it now that I'm not. I have to get back into this somehow, come up with some sort of plan. I know y'all understand this, so if they're any suggestions to make this work with a busy schedule, feel free to send them my way. I have a feeling I'm going to be running during football practice this season and trying to lift early in the mornings if I can get the kids up and myself motivated. But you do what you gotta do, I guess. And I'll throw this out too, the days that I don't work out, I need to adjust my calorie intake and that's just too hard. That would probably make a difference, and I just don't do it. I'm all about being healthy and just want to keep that going.
On a positive note, I'll end this by saying cheers to meeting new people...seriously. I know I have no fear and I enjoy me a lot. But I'm very pleased with my random choices at meeting people. I think no matter what the capacity, it all turns out well in the end. And I don't have these opportunities to bring new people into my life often, so when I do, it's nice to embrace it when you have the urge to connect with each other. I'd love to elaborate on this, as it is my blog after all, but I'll keep this all to myself for now.
Tomorrow...there will be a nice long story about football and the boy. Tonight will not end well with equipment pickups. Until then...
Coffee break...
I'm back, an onto the next topic. Work. I'd love to take this opportunity to bitch about my day to day bs, but I'm going to refrain. Mainly because I'd like to continue to get paid. Nonetheless, I guess I'm working 3 now? So I have my day job, Victoria's Secret, and now I'm more or less helping with my friends' concession stand. They own their own pizza shop, Parma, in Manchester (try the eggplant fries - insane), and ventured out to doing concessions during local games and fairs. So, this weekend, I agreed to work 7-10 on Friday after my day job, 1-10 on Saturday, and ?-6 on Sunday. Honestly, just thinking about it makes me feel tired. But they need my help, and I need money. Have no fear, though. This doesn't mean I'm cutting off any fun and good company this weekend; you'll just have to wait until after 10...and a shower. =) Also, if I can get someone to watch the kiddos on the 30th, I'll be working during the day at a motorcycle show, wearing something hot and delicious. That said...
**Wait, I'm closing down tweet deck before I go crazy**
...I'm going to start a donation fund for my next cell phone. As my boss pointed out, I go through phones faster than anyone he's ever met. Think I can wait out a 2 year contract to get a new phone? Ha! Probably not even 1. But I've always had either a warranty or at least a 1 year discount, so it never really hurt so bad. The point is, my curve is about to go. I have no option but to get a new phone, and I'd like to do it before it completely wipes out. So, I started looking at my options, if you can call them that. I definitely don't want the same thing I already have, and I can't not have a smart phone. I'm looking at the Droid 2, but that beast is $450 full retail. I'd rather cut off my neighbor's left arm than pay that much for a phone right now, especially considering how long it'll probably last me. Admittedly, I'm a little bit pissy about this right now. But feel free to make donations to my cell phone fund and maybe it'll all work out.
Another reason for crankiness is my lack of gym time. I'm sure I mentioned it before, but somehow I figure if I keep writing it in a public forum, I'd be more inclined to do something about it. I don't think ppl realize how important it can be in your life. I was used to going 6 days a week, and I'm seriously feeling it now that I'm not. I have to get back into this somehow, come up with some sort of plan. I know y'all understand this, so if they're any suggestions to make this work with a busy schedule, feel free to send them my way. I have a feeling I'm going to be running during football practice this season and trying to lift early in the mornings if I can get the kids up and myself motivated. But you do what you gotta do, I guess. And I'll throw this out too, the days that I don't work out, I need to adjust my calorie intake and that's just too hard. That would probably make a difference, and I just don't do it. I'm all about being healthy and just want to keep that going.
On a positive note, I'll end this by saying cheers to meeting new people...seriously. I know I have no fear and I enjoy me a lot. But I'm very pleased with my random choices at meeting people. I think no matter what the capacity, it all turns out well in the end. And I don't have these opportunities to bring new people into my life often, so when I do, it's nice to embrace it when you have the urge to connect with each other. I'd love to elaborate on this, as it is my blog after all, but I'll keep this all to myself for now.
Tomorrow...there will be a nice long story about football and the boy. Tonight will not end well with equipment pickups. Until then...
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