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I am absolutely amazed at how quickly time is passing by.  Minutes to hours to days, and then I look back and realize the perception of a day or two is in reality a week or two.  On one hand, I’m glad to add up the time and am able to say that X amount of it has passed in a good way.  Yet, I’m slightly saddened that the time has passed at all.  I’d like it to stand still for just a bit…just so I can feel a little more in control.  Then let it go all it wants, as fast as it wants.

On my way home the other day, I talked to my cousin 2/3 of the way.  That call made me happy for a variety of reasons.  One is that I miss her.  Though I like my space and I like being the sole member of our family here in central PA, I need my family.  I haven’t talked to her in months and I’m sure that’s mostly my fault.  But I was also glad for the distraction and the catching up time.  I was happy that while we were on the phone, she was feeding the newest member of our family, Xavion, rice cereal for the first time.  I figured since I’m the only one who hasn’t seen him yet, I can at least share in that experience.  God, I’m sad.  But, as usual, my conversation with her helped me regain some much needed perspective and I’m thankful for that.

My oldest son is swearing off art on my behalf.  Why?  He claims that I hurt his feelings and that giving up art is my punishment.  I’ve tried to have several conversations with him about it, and his stubbornness overpowers my will to nag at him for answers so I keep figuring he’ll come around.  Monday, as he was lying on the couch at his dad’s, I knelt before him and tried one more time.  He wouldn’t tell me what I said or did, just that I hurt his feelings.  I basically went the pep talk route and thought it was going pretty well until he interrupted me with, “Mom…Mom!  I’m going to miss the bus.”  So much for that…

“Ex” irritations are trying really hard to get the better of me right now.  I do well at ignoring most of it because I have no real feelings in that regard.  I can’t care enough to truly feel hurt or to get really angry.  The only angry feelings that I get are when the irritations start f’ing up my plans and interfering with my own day to day life.  I have it better than most people in similar situations, so perhaps I have absolutely no reason to complain.  But it still happens, and it still gets to me, and it still causes me to be less than chipper.  So, I can’t feel guilty for letting it affect me…I’m only human.  I know better than to make comparisons, which is why I can only speak for myself and acknowledge how I’ve been handling everything.  I just want it to be over.

I was reflecting on the summer a bit this week, mostly because I’m freezing my ass off in my office (wearing gloves as I type this).  It was a really good one, I’d have to say.  I had an obsession or two that I had to break free from, that I learned from, and that paved the way for a bit of a stronger me.  So, I don’t regret that, except that I have (or had) the tendency to let things occupy my mind more than I should have.  But I’ve also been thinking about the great days at the pool with K (and Ghandi, lol), the time with the kids at the park, “the great tubing experience” (lmao), the warmth I felt when I could relax and read on weekend mornings on my balcony, etc.  So, I do have some nice memories to file away.  Of course, I have some I’d like to forget, but hey…  And now, I know that it’s important to keep making new memories.  As I noted about time, it seems to wait for no one.  So, like many things in our lives, we either have to jump on board and enjoy the ride.  Or we can sit it out and regret doing so later.  Personally, I choose happiness and great experiences over anything else.  My choice, then, is obvious.  There may never be a day that I relate the entire story of what happened my senior year (the climax, really) that carved my mindset to what it is today.  But I will say that sometimes it takes pain and a whole lot of negative to appreciate the positive.  Regardless, the road ahead (as lamely philosophical as this may sound) is paved in gold as far as I’m concerned.  I will make of it what I want and enjoy what I cannot, and probably should not, change.