Why, I Oughtta...

I wanted to write about my relationships, in order, since I left my husband.  Can you believe I'm starting to forget about some of them?  So maybe I'll just write about the ones that were important to me, the ones I remember EVERYTHING about.  The Ryans and Brians and bears, oh my!  Bring the good, the bad, the ugly, and oh god the naughty moments these last two years.  I do fear I will scare the hell out of people and even more will simply never understand.  But I can guarantee most will be wishing they could live this life for a hot five minutes.  After all, that's sometimes all it takes.  I don't know how long this will take me to complete; honestly, I don't know if I can bring myself to divulge some of the details I hold inside my mind about these experiences, but...I'm going to make a sincere effort to bring it forth.  Who knows what it will do for me and others?  Also, publicly announcing that I'm going to make this attempt somewhat makes me hold myself accountable to actually do it.

Aside from that, I am in love with myself and the gym.  I used to make fun of my secretly dubbed, Mr. Awesome, for admiring himself in the weight room mirrors.  But then I realized that I do the exact same thing.  God love him, this man knows my heart.  Plus he's nice to everyone that works out around us, so I can't really take issue with his narcissism when I see no negative effects.  Keep it up, Mr. Awesome.  Keep it up.  As for me, it's easy to pick out my flaws.  However, I've never loved my body more (except in high school, but I took it for granted then).  I even love my large c-section scars because hey, they came about for three very important reasons and are a testament to the best things that ever came about in my life.  They are a part of me, and I admire their existence.  I yell at them sometimes because they made the alteration of my body in a positive way extremely difficult, but...did I mention how awesome my shoulder area is? 

On this line of thinking, I've agreed to start on a 13 week? weight loss challenge as the sixth team member for a couple of my friends.  Basically, this will consist of all things I'm doing now with a low calorie/high protein eating plan (important to note that this is not a diet but how I eat...period), regular exercise, but the addition of important natural vitamins and minerals to ensure that my body really is getting what it needs.  Of course the winning team gets something, though I don't know exactly what yet.  I'll admit this is some good incentive, along with some good old fashion competition and the fear of letting my teammates down.  Needless to say, I intend to kick some arse...and my own into better shape while I'm at it.

Also!  I was invited by a fighter at my gym to tag along to his Brazilian Jiu Jitsu gym.  I'm so insanely excited.  I highly doubt they'll let me do anything but watch, but this is probably in everyone's best interests at the moment anyway.  For those of you that are not familiar, I'll give you the Wikipedia definition. It's a martial art, combat sport, and self defense system that focuses on grappling and especially ground fighting.  The art was derived from the Japanese martial art of Kodokan judo in the early 20th century.  Read on if you want to know more: http://en.m.Wikipedia.org/wiki/Brazilian_Jiu_Jitsu .  Most of you are aware of my deep love and admiration for mma.  BJJ is one style of fighting that is heavily used in the sport and I find it terribly exciting along with the people who use and excel in it, such as the masters that are the Gracie family.  I'll be sure to fill you all in after I go.

Image via Wikipedia

Tip of the day before I watch a movie?  Open your hearts and minds but close your wallets and mouths, especially in regard to politics.  If your looking for a good fight and something/someone to spend money on, just come on over to my place.  You'll be quite welcome. :)

Stop. Collaborate and Listen.

Funny that I have started and stopped this blog about 15 different times over the last several months.  Why?  I guess I felt I had stuff to say, but I didn't quite have the conviction to actually say it.  No biggie.  Today, I feel the need to set myself straight and anyone else who might need it.  That's right.

So, reflection makes you think about the negatives in your life.  My only negative, I guess, is lack of green.  And no, I don't mean weed; I mean money.  I don't mean own a condo in NYC and playing around kind of money.  I mean the kind of money that pays all my bills and allows me to treat myself or my kids once in a while in such a way that I'm "comfortable".  I've been looking into the whole 2nd job thing for some time now.  I get close and then say I can't do it because of the next kid sport that comes up or I wonder how it would work having the kids every other week.  But!  How am I going to pay for these sports if I don't have the money for it?  Plus, it's not something that I have to do forever.  So...tomorrow at lunch, my plan is to go check this out.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Next!  No one really wants other people to talk about relationships.  I know this because I get annoyed when I see it.  Anyway, there seems to be a bit of a misconception about the right/wrong way to live one's life where relationships between men and women are concerned.  This is especially true when it comes to those who want to stick their noses in where it doesn't belong.  So, allow me to explain how I view all of this from my perspective.

• I am divorced, meaning that I previously had a very seriously committed relationship that I no longer have.  It is not my intention to find myself back in the same position I was in before.  Were I to do that, what would be the point of having gotten a divorce in the first place?  I do not need a man in my life to support me, financially, emotionally, or otherwise to make me whole.  So...I'm not planning on rushing this commitment thing.  No, thank you.
• I actually like dating.  I never did that before I was married.  I was 18, so the only "dating" experience I had prior to that was in high school.  This is a totally different ball game.  Dating as an adult has its ups and downs, sure.  But it not only allows me to learn more about me, but it helps me determine what I do and do not want in a man.  I appreciate that.  Not to mention, I've met a lot of wonderful people that, while we might not be the right people for each other, we have great experiences and sometimes create lasting friendships.  
• On that note, I'm almost 30.  If I want to have casual relationships either because I'm not ready for a permanent commitment or I haven't found "the one" yet, there is nothing wrong with that.  Yes, the dating world is scary.  I do most seriously appreciate those who care enough to worry about me and even more the ones who want to tell me so.  But, there's a difference between telling me to be safe because I worry about you and telling me I'm wrong and a horrible person because I'm not settling down with just one person.  The latter people can mind their own business and should probably try to look at their own lives before passing judgment.  I don't need that.
• I LOVE ME!!!  Some view dating and not settling down as a way to get attention because of a lack of self esteem or some other mental disorder.  However, I think it's important for my family and friends to know that this is not something to be concerned about with me.  I love who I am.  I'm very proud of myself and my accomplishments.  Physically, I'm proud of the weight that I've lost (almost 100 lbs); I'm proud of how I look (though I'd like to make that even better); I'm proud of my healthy lifestyle and how that affects myself and my kids.  Otherwise, I'm proud of my educational accomplishments, my career accomplishments, and my ambition to always want to go further and never be stagnant.  These things make me happy.  Not that this means I'm never stressed as that is something totally different.  So, please don't assume that I have self esteem issues simply because I do not live my life the same way you do.  And please don't make your problems my problems.
• I do struggle some days, though rarely, about whether I ever want to have that forever lasting type of relationship again.  There are days when I wish I could find that.  But just because you hear me say it once, doesn't mean there's a layer of denial that's covering up those feelings.  There are certainly positives about those types of relationships that I would enjoy.  However, there are also cons that, until I find the right person, I'm not willing to put up with.  So, the next day I could very well be reminded of why I don't want to settle down just yet.  So, again, I know what I'm doing.

Ok, so that was a bit long, but probably what needed to be said most.  In closing, I just want to add that like everyone on this silly planet, I am not perfect.  I struggle, I fight, but I'm trying to live.  All I ask is that you either live with me or not.  Don't make me feel bad about myself because of your opinions.  It is my own responsibility to make myself happy and I will keep revisiting what I need to do to get there as many times as it takes in my lifetime.  But it is ME who will get me there, not some magical man being who's going to make my life a fairytale.  Though, if he comes along and wants to join me in this mission, by all means I'd like the company.  Plus, a girl's got some needs, if ya know what I mean.  Nonetheless, I hope to not only be the person who propels myself further, but I'd like to be the person who can help others do the same for themselves.  

Cakes and Cups and Cups of Cakes

Image via Wikipedia

I very much would like to start my own business, preferably one that involves baked goods and coffee.  I had the most beautiful opportunity set before me to co-own a NY style deli recently that I had to turn down.  The reasons were simple.  The location was in York.  I work in Harrisburg, live in Shiremanstown, and have to be at my children's activities in Mechanicsburg.  That would leave me little to no time to work at the place due to the fact that I can't risk leaving my current job with the benefits and health insurance just yet.  Those things are too important right now in a single family income to give up.  Not to mention the insane amount of driving.  I felt kind of angry because on one hand, this was an opportunity to live out my dream.  But I got over it rather quickly.  Why?  Because I am comfortable with the fact that the priorities that I deem to take precedence over this venture are indeed where my attention should be.  Also, I do feel that I will have the opportunity at some point in my life to live out my dream.  I truly do.  I think that this was an eye opener to what this sort of business entails; however,  I know that to be profitable for me with time and money it has to be in a location closer to me.  I just look at it as though this was not the right time in my life.

That being said, I'm not giving up on learning and commencing some of the things that I want to do to open something similar on my own or with someone else as a co-owner.  Last night, my fb status mentioned that I would love to make cupcakes for a living.  How incredibly fun and delicious would that be?  And Christy, if you are serious about joining me, let's get to it girly!  To start, I want to experiment in my home.  I don't have the money for rent or overhead of any commercial property, so that's out of the question.  But everyone starts somewhere, don't they?  Why not have your business down pat before you open up public shop?  So, I think it's definitely experiment time.  I'd like everything to be homemade and creative.  I think this will be loads of fun.  And first stop is apparently going to be red velvet cupcakes for Andrew's birthday.  I'm on it.

Strawberry Rhubarb Pie

Image via Wikipedia

Does anyone have a recipe for strawberry rhubarb pie?  My grandmother used to make these and they're my favorite, but I'd like to take a stab at it myself.  So if someone can guide me in the right direction for the best recipe, I'd appreciate it.  Doesn't that look yummy?