A Bird in a Cage

I’ll start by stating that, for the most part, we can all agree that I’m a decently positive person; I see the glass as being half full, I see potential and opportunity in almost every experience (good or bad), and I try to see the best in almost everyone.  And I talk…a lot.  Although, sometimes it has to be coaxed out.  There are times when it is physically painful to keep things inside.  Or sometimes you try to talk it out, but you have no idea exactly what the problem is or what direction your words need to go in to get where you want to be.  This is where I am at this very moment.  This is no one’s fault but my own and it’s up to me to fix it.  This weekend ranks among the worst that I’ve had in a long while.  It was reminiscent of the days that I had not long after moving out on my own last spring.  Here are some reasons why:

1 – The holidays…I might very well be the biggest scrooge around right now.  I want this entire season to be over and be over quickly.  Christmas morning has been moved to Nick’s house for the kids and I am not getting a tree.  This year, Christmas as an entire concept blows.  New Year’s, I’m only looking forward to drinking with friends because I actually have the opportunity to do so.  I’ve already decided that I have to go out; there will be no staying in…anywhere…and I really don’t care how I feel in the morning.  However, that next day, I will be taking the kids to Pittsburgh to see my family for the weekend.  I will need Starbucks and a prayer for that trip…and maybe some Aleve.

2 – The snow…I normally love snow.  I have wonderful snow memories and it’s usually the best time of year, no matter when that is, when there’s snow on the ground.  But I’m a sucker for tradition and home and family and comfort.  In the past, I would have loved a snowy weekend like this.  We used to take the kids out to play in the snow and actually play with them.  This year, my kids still got to go out and play, but it was Kristen who took them, not me.  I couldn’t gather enough heart and energy to go outside.  The kids had fun, and I don’t think they noticed.  But that’s not the point.  Later in the day, Saturday, I did muster enough to go to the gym because I realized I needed to be out of the house in the worst way, but it was closed due to the snow.  I had a feeling it would be, but I didn’t call first.  I love driving in the snow, and it got me out for a few minutes.  But it still sucked that they weren’t open.  Back to the point of the snow, I normally would have relished in this opportunity to have family time, get things done, do some baking, watch some t.v. with the fam, have some good conversation within my own house, etc.  I had none of that because that is now something that has to be rebuilt in a different way.

3 – Tradition, or lack, thereof…in regards to the last part of #2, I would say this is hitting me kind of hard.  Please don’t get me wrong when I say that I do not regret any part of my decision to be alone right now.  It was and will remain “right”.  However, I’m finding that my first experience with holidays on my own are not how I expected them to be.  It’s a loss; there’s no other way to put it.  Think about your grandparents or parents who’ve had to deal with the holidays after the loss of a spouse or significant other.  The first one’s always the hardest.  But we adapt and it’s never that bad again.  I expect it to be the same for me.  Even if it was my decision to leave, and I absolutely do not want to go back, that doesn’t mean the loss still isn’t felt during times like these.  You definitely don’t feel more alone than on the holidays.  I will certainly get over it.  But I want it to pass quickly so that I can.

My heart hurts at the moment, and it’s even more painful to admit that.  I feel like a caged animal with no escape and no outlet.  This sounds extreme, but it’s normal I’m sure.  I really want to be very far away right now.  I so desperately wanted to get in the car and drive but couldn’t because of the roads (well I could, but I didn’t want to be stupid).  Maybe that’s why I’m looking for summer to come as quickly as possible.  I really just want to go away.  But as soon as the new year comes, I might take a couple of days off to make this escape, even if it’s short lived.  I don’t know which direction I’ll head in, don’t know where I’ll end up, but I’m sure it’ll be worth it. 

And you all need to know that this is not a lasting thing.  This is my honesty about something that I feel is a natural part of the process and will only make me stronger.  Each moment, even if it seems unbearable, is a gift.  The fact that I can recognize that is good enough for me.  I’ll get over it.  I’ll be fine.  Life will go on.