"Last Kiss" ...

...by Seven Mary Three, the band of my teenage years.  Heartbreak, hospitals, moving boxes, and family.  That's what I remember most about the end of that era.  The next decade (and a couple more years) flew by way too fast, but maybe for good reason.  Yet as quick as that time left me in the dust, I've been left with many gifts from those days.

Right now, having moved on quite a bit, I sit here with a half clean house (I'm telling you, this is progress) and a heart full of love and a mind full of chaos.  And, of course, I'm listening to Seven Mary Three.  I know I had a discussion earlier this week with my loving mama that I didn't really want to have.  Something triggered my emotional gag reflex and I spewed forth thoughts I've kept from her for a long time.  I told her things that I've been telling my sister for quite some time, but she's different.  Though she is certainly protective, I consider my sister rather objective.  She listens to the good, the bad, and the ugly, but I feel she judges pretty fairly.  If I'm being taken advantage of, she doesn't hesitate to force that to my attention.  At the same time, she doesn't have a problem telling me when I'm being a complete ass and overreacting.  Most importantly, when I need consoling, she's there to deal it out.  My mama...for too long, she's played the role of mama and dad, meaning while she tries to listen and give me relationship advice, she also can be a hard-hearted protector.  I'm afraid if I tell her something negative (and I try to tell all, not just the bad), she'll hold that grudge forever and treat the person I'm with unfairly.  Don't get me wrong, as a mother I understand this completely.  But the other night, I guess it had been building up too long and I let loose.  So much, in fact, I don't even remember half of what I told her.  It was something I needed, though.

I've been here before, but I've come to some conclusions about my current position and why I treat my relationship the way that I do.  I have found myself being suspicious but not being able to justify those suspicions with actions or words.  I have doubted when I should believe.  And, I have grossly underestimated the power and, at the same time, the comfort this love is giving me.  Why?  None of us are perfect, but I think it is quite possibly my fault.  If you don't agree because of a certain incident, please don't comment here.  We'll talk, if you want.  But I've decided I want to give my heart a chance and let the wall down a bit.  I'm in love.  I have to accept that this person is not the men of my past.  I cannot hold him accountable for what others have done.  I can't assume that I always make the wrong decisions with relationships and that I should live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I think that's unfair...for both of us, really.  I love and appreciate what I have.  So, I'm going to concentrate on that; concentrate on him and my family (and my friends that are family).  I want to keep things positive, and I truly believe this is the direction I need to go right now.  It's very important to me.

In conclusion, I didn't want to put a single word of that in writing.  But if I say it, it's real.  The End...

Relation...whahhh???

Realizations can be like pin pricks to your tush, but they can be most beneficial.  For example, I realized the other night, as I was yet again delirious with fever, that the last 2 years of my life can be summed up in several episodes of Sex and the City (1 1/2 years can be thrown out of the equation). Instead of running down the street screaming in fear, I decided to embrace the fact and run WITH it. My life is my life and I love learning from it...just never at the moment that it's happening. Like in matters of love, I have seen good and bad and irrational when it comes to relationships/dating/singledom. I've fallen for men maybe only twice, but I've wanted to fall many times over. What I really wonder is how many have ever fallen for me? Though, I'll be honest when I say that while I wonder, I'll lose interest in about an hour. The past is the past and it bears no weight on my life at present. Just the cat being curious.

But what makes a good relationship? Many say this is relative; it's different for everyone. For me, I can probably, but not completely, sum it up with a few key components:

• Exclusivity - Sure, I've had my casual relationships; but, when someone makes it clear that the casualness is preferred, then it's also clear that the relationship won't grow beyond that.( "We're not the exception; we're the rule." ~ He's Just Not That Into You) Don't get me wrong. That doesn't make that type of relationship bad or negative. If that's what you're good with at the moment, then it may be ideal for you. There have been times for me when this was the case. I'm just at a point where I'm ready to move past that. I can't talk future unless I know you're capable of devoting your attention to just one woman. No one wants to waste anyone's time when you consider that we don't really have much of it.
• Communication - I don't want anyone up my ass and I don't want to be up anyone else's. I like my "me" time and I get irritated when I see friends get interrupted by phone calls or texts from their significant others when they know they're out with friends. BUT...I also don't like going days without hearing from someone and not knowing what's going on. Are you busy, not feeling like talking to me, losing interest, seeing someone else...see how this could escalate? Sometimes, it's just a matter of needing some good ole common courtesy. A simple note or reply or something to say I'm caught up but all is well. Works wonders.
• Time - At this age, most of us have kids, jobs, etc. It's hard to divvy up that time equally. I don't ask to have as much time as your kids or your job, but I think it's important to make time for each other. Even if it's just an agreed upon date night, or whatever, one or two nights a week. Something you can depend upon, knowing you will get to see that person for sure that day/night.
• Attention - This goes along with time and communication combined. We can assume that when we're not around each other, that we at least think about each other. But making time to see each other or to communicate somehow with each other lets the other person know they have your attention.
• Faithfulness - See Exclusivity... Unless shown otherwise (be it miscommunication or not) we have to implicitly trust each other to be faithful. Otherwise, why even bother to start the relationship in the first place. That said, faithfulness is something that we should be able to depend on and not have to question. If you really can't hold up that end of the bargain, then tell the other person and remove yourself from the relationship immediately. Because clearly, it isn't for you.
• Love/Devotion - Some use the "L" word sooner than others. I say if you're comfortable knowing that's how you feel, then do/say what feels right. But even if you're not there yet, there's a level of devotion that shows how much you care. If you don't feel that's being reciprocated, then is it really a relationship?
• Sex - Argue this if you want, but I feel (at least for me) that sex is a healthy component to the relationship. It's very important to me, so if it's not a mutual thing or there's no compatibility, there will only be issues later in the relationship.
• Availability - This is a biggie. While I understand that certain circumstances may prevent total (normal) communication via specific methods...sigh...it would be nice to know that you can call on (or email, or text, or whatever) your significant other if you needed them; i.e. locked yourself out of the house, are delirious with fever, etc. as opposed to assuming they may not even see your message until a day or two later, by which time you may be frozen solid on your door step or dead on your bathroom floor. It just kinda sucks that others can get to them faster than you can. I'm not sure there's much out there that is more frustrating than this.

And then...I move on to other girly topics like weight. I neglected this thing I pay for every month called the gym during this never ending football season. As a result (because I'm still eating the same), I've gained 5 lbs, give or take. I've made efforts at home by buying a weight bench, weights, zumba Wii game, etc. While I use all of those things at home (sometimes), I find my best motivation comes from the gym, itself. When I'm there, and after, I just simply feel good. There's only one thing better, kids, and that's "censored for young viewers". And I'll have my cake and eat it too on that note. Nonetheless, I have found that for a variety of reasons, the gym has to be a regular part of my life. There really isn't a substitute for that sort of bliss. I eat right, never starve myself, and I just have to accept the fact that I am the type of person who needs constant exercise in my routine.

But enough of all of that. I've said too much on both these topics. Off we go towards another day.

Falling In & Out of Hate

Sing to me, and I might just find a place for you in my heart (or get your bottom lip pierced because that drives me insane).  Otherwise...

I met a couple this weekend from Jersey who now reside in Lancaster after retirement.  I've never met a couple who seemed more in love and simply enjoyed each other's presence.  Of course, I have no clue what it means to be in love like that, but I imagine that this couple epitomize whatever that is.  More interesting to me is the fact that the guy was a member of a gospel group called the Raw Silvertones from, I think, 1959 to 1982 (and it's possible I even heard the name wrong).  Not sure why that stuck with me, except that music follows me everywhere.  I asked him if they ever made any recordings, and his response was that he has a 45 somewhere.  I laugh only because my first thought was, I wonder if I can get this stuff on iTunes.  All in all, these two people were somehow very impressive to me (especially once I got them talking) and I can't deny that they affected me greatly.

Next up is admission time.  Oh, no, wait.  I'm not ready for that yet...

Image via Wikipedia

Next!  New stuff out this summer like the new Limp Bizkit album, released yesterday.  I know they're a "love 'em or hate 'em" kind of band, but I'll always feel a bit sentimental towards them.  LB & Kid Rock (back when he was cool) was my first real concert experience in Pittsburgh.  Nick asked me to go that day, very last minute.  So, I convinced our great friend, Burke Bowen, to cover my shift at work and just took off west.  Two incredible acts that really knew how to get an audience moving.  Honestly, it was an experience I'll never forget.  It definitely helped to shape the summer of 1999.  So this album!  I think it goes back to the 3 Dollar Bill days when their music was less mainstream.  I haven't taken it out of my cd player since I got it.  And go buy the deluxe version at Best Buy; 4 bonus tracks are on it from what I understand.

Also, a little somethin for you all to look forward to this summer...  A friend is moving forward with a great concept that I am going to try and help bring to the surface of reality.  Starting as a facebook group, the idea is to create a place where individuals who have gone through a bad breakup, separation, or divorce can connect/network with others who have been in a similar place.  Discussions will be facilitated, but the group will allow people to share their experiences, thoughts, suggestions, and tips on going through these types of situations.  I think it'll be a great opportunity for people to talk things out, hear from others who've already been there, and maybe even work through some of their situations.  It will be nice to know you're not alone and are amongst friends.  So, if you are someone who thinks you might like to try this out, let me know.  Further, I'd like to hear some feedback on what you might like to see in a group like this.  What would you be looking for?  Think about it, and I'll start giving more details as the project moves along.  Also, look for invites coming soon from Connect the Hearts.

This Is...The Story of a Girl

So, dear readers (or reader, whatever).  I must apologize for my blogging absense.  The fact that I feel the need to say that I'm sorry for not writing my thoughts in a public forum is a bit weird to me, but that's how I feel none the less.  I missed my blogs, but I've sat down and attempted the first of about 3 that I need to catch you up on due to recent events, and I just haven't been able to get very far.  Why?  Well, it has something to do with the fact that my brain tends to get a bit overwhelmed and scattered at times (hence the name of this blog).  And I'm sure my not-so-great eating habits and sleep patterns are not helping my ability to focus/concentrate.  So, my goal with this particular entry is to give you a bit of an update on me.  I have a couple of event blogs that need to happen, but they require remembering sequential moments, so I will have to get those out in due time...just not now.  This will flow a bit easier and maybe answer some questions.

1) My weight.  Why would I make this first?  Well, for starters, I'm rather proud of my accomplishment thus far.  Since November of last year, I have lost 48 lbs.  I've been stagnant for the last couple of weeks, but I'm still working on it.  I feel much better physically, mentally, and it will only continue to get better.  I'd say I'd keep you updated on my progress with this, but that could get old real quick and I think you'd be happy just hearing me shout out the latest number if it's a significant difference.  What is my goal?  Well, if I went to my goal weight for my height, I'd have to lose another 88 lbs.  Sorry if you're shocked by that number, but it's so true.  And yes, I know that my build is not one that works well with my goal weight.  I was 5 lbs over that in 8th grade and I looked incredibly frail and bony.  But...I need to have a number goal.  When I reach the point that I feel I look good, I'll stop regardless of what the number is.  I just know right now I'm not ready to stop...not even close. 

2) The new relationship.  I am sorry if this came as a surprise to some.  I wasn't really advertising it broadly for all of my friends until what we had could actually be defined into a term...a label.  I don't like labeling and we certainly didn't need to for us.  But when it comes time to let your friends know, it's a little difficult to say, "I have no idea what we are but we're something."  Uh...right.  So, we defined it.  Anyway, a little detail...  He's older than I am, 41 to be exact.  Like me, he has three wonderful children, the oldest being 15, the youngest 8.  Unlike me, he has his kids full time.  Freaking out yet?  Don't.  I'm perfectly content with all of that; and we are at the same point in each of our lives, which gives me an oddly comfortable sense of home.  However (there's always a however, a but, or something), I am pretty much scared to death.  Why, you ask?  I'm scared because I'm afraid of screwing it all up.  I'm afraid that there's something wrong with me that causes me to hurt people.  I truly wish things could be simple enough in a way that allows you to 'go with the flow' without questioning anything.  That would be pretty much awesome.  Suffice to say, no one's ever happy with my decisions; some wait on tenterhooks for the opportunity to say I told you so.  They may very well get their chance, but I don't want it to be because of me.  When I can look at our relationship in a way that only encompasses him, myself, and our kids, I am extremely happy.  It would be nice if we could all be on the same page with that.  I actually started this blog out with a bit of a different tone, and now because of my annoyance with those who term themselves 'friends', I have lost my appetite to blog about this right now.

In conclusion, those are the biggest 'me' updates.  With an exception of trying to contain my irritation with those who choose not to be supportive or who can't seem to refrain from playing both sides of the field cruelly, I am happy, content, and feeling good.  I hope all of you are too.

Fences Become Walls

Is it wrong to just want to be left alone? Is it wrong to want to, I don't know, avoid drama? Does some sort of human manual exist that I don't have in my arsenal that states drama is a must? I just want to have uncomplicated relationships, friendships, even trysts, whatever. And I'd like each relationship to be between me and that other person only. Just a one on one little world that no one can penetrate. Now, it goes to say that the other person can have as many relationships as they want outside of our world. Likewise, so can I. But the important part is that no one else is involved in ours. Why is this so important? Because everyone has a fucking agenda! Everyone screws it up whether they intend to or not. People are selfish and unrealistic. Do I have to alienate myself to reach a point where I am no longer affected by this? What do I have to do to make it stop? These are the things that push people away. These are the building blocks of walls. These are ridiculous gestures of immaturity. I can't so much handle any of that, nor should I.

It is also important for me to note that I was super happy last night and this morning. Does that somehow signal to others that they must immediately take action to ruin that? Seriously!