Being Human

"There's no greater feeling than sprawling naked across the bed with the one you love." ~ Being Human

There's no greater feeling, indeed. Hands and hips, thighs and lips. No better way to feel human, be real..be in touch with yourself and the one you can't live without. But that is the reactionary half-sleep that comes as a result of the ultimate passionate sedative. It's the kind of thing that gives you a heightened sense of awareness for your own body as well as theirs without moving an inch. Scent, touch, sight... Hearts beating and pulsating life, a steady flow of bloody emotion; stomachs rising and falling, moving the two sweetest mounds of flesh one at a time as they take turns owning the space you share; hot skin under cool fingertips bringing comfort over every inch. And then the most seductive observation: eyes that see so deep inside of you, past all else, to know your wants and needs before even you do. These are the eyes that reign in your love, forcing you to focus on something far greater than your dreams have ever moved within you.

In between moments like these, as days separate you from this connection, the cracking and splintering is actually painful. You realize that this other living organism, this flawed individual is everything you need and want, but not quite until the experience of near loss of that soul affects your very core. Out of the corner of your mind's eye, you see the slender fingers that held your hand so tightly while you made love, softly while you walked through a parking lot in Jersey, sat on your knee while you talked incessantly. You see and feel the lips that you never want to go without, on your own lips, the corner of your mouth, your neck, your breasts, belly, legs... Could anyone ever let that slip away? Dizzy, dizzy head. Dizzy, dizzy love.

I'm really just sitting here dizzy while my heart, my mind, and my libido take a train ride through the scar tissue of this thing I'm calling love.

"Last Kiss" ...

...by Seven Mary Three, the band of my teenage years.  Heartbreak, hospitals, moving boxes, and family.  That's what I remember most about the end of that era.  The next decade (and a couple more years) flew by way too fast, but maybe for good reason.  Yet as quick as that time left me in the dust, I've been left with many gifts from those days.

Right now, having moved on quite a bit, I sit here with a half clean house (I'm telling you, this is progress) and a heart full of love and a mind full of chaos.  And, of course, I'm listening to Seven Mary Three.  I know I had a discussion earlier this week with my loving mama that I didn't really want to have.  Something triggered my emotional gag reflex and I spewed forth thoughts I've kept from her for a long time.  I told her things that I've been telling my sister for quite some time, but she's different.  Though she is certainly protective, I consider my sister rather objective.  She listens to the good, the bad, and the ugly, but I feel she judges pretty fairly.  If I'm being taken advantage of, she doesn't hesitate to force that to my attention.  At the same time, she doesn't have a problem telling me when I'm being a complete ass and overreacting.  Most importantly, when I need consoling, she's there to deal it out.  My mama...for too long, she's played the role of mama and dad, meaning while she tries to listen and give me relationship advice, she also can be a hard-hearted protector.  I'm afraid if I tell her something negative (and I try to tell all, not just the bad), she'll hold that grudge forever and treat the person I'm with unfairly.  Don't get me wrong, as a mother I understand this completely.  But the other night, I guess it had been building up too long and I let loose.  So much, in fact, I don't even remember half of what I told her.  It was something I needed, though.

I've been here before, but I've come to some conclusions about my current position and why I treat my relationship the way that I do.  I have found myself being suspicious but not being able to justify those suspicions with actions or words.  I have doubted when I should believe.  And, I have grossly underestimated the power and, at the same time, the comfort this love is giving me.  Why?  None of us are perfect, but I think it is quite possibly my fault.  If you don't agree because of a certain incident, please don't comment here.  We'll talk, if you want.  But I've decided I want to give my heart a chance and let the wall down a bit.  I'm in love.  I have to accept that this person is not the men of my past.  I cannot hold him accountable for what others have done.  I can't assume that I always make the wrong decisions with relationships and that I should live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I think that's unfair...for both of us, really.  I love and appreciate what I have.  So, I'm going to concentrate on that; concentrate on him and my family (and my friends that are family).  I want to keep things positive, and I truly believe this is the direction I need to go right now.  It's very important to me.

In conclusion, I didn't want to put a single word of that in writing.  But if I say it, it's real.  The End...

Money? Who needs money???

"Why do we let the one thing we don't have affect all the things we do have?" ~ Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City) While I'm not a fabulous single woman living in Manhattan, I do tend to do this all the time. It's like I'm subconsciously trying to avoid happiness. Stressing over...well, just about anything is a good way to enable this.

Currently, I'm stressing over money. I'm extremely talented at making stupid decisions when it comes to spending it. And, as with all avenues of my life, I don't listen to anyone who tries to stop me. That's all about to change. I'm sure some of you are rolling your eyes right now and saying, "Yeah right. I'll believe it when I see it." Touche. You're probably right in your predictions of how things will go. However, I'm going to make an honest effort. This time around, I have some backup and support (not that I didn't have it before, but this is new) that I think I can make myself pay attention to. Nonetheless, I'm working on a serious budget, paying off my student loans, not going out to eat, not going to a lot of shows (or out in general), and not spending needlessly on things I feel somehow I deserve simply because I'm fabulous in Shiremanstown. The cool thing is, I'm pretty much done with Christmas shopping. Maybe one or two little things for people yet, but pretty much done. I actually look forward to wrapping them all this weekend.

What else am I going to tackle this weekend? Well, seeing as how not much "out of the house" type of action will be going on, I'm planning an attempt to clean my kids' room. There is so much junk in there, you can't see the floor and can't fully open their door. I'm a little scared, and I may need to call in backup. But I figure with some good music, a drink or two, and maybe some chit chat along the way and I'll be good. I doubt I'll get it all done, but I want to at least be able to get in there and put clothes away or change their bed sheets for them (note: they've had to do this themselves and it's not been pretty). If you all don't hear from me for awhile, you may want to come check on me. This WILL get ugly.

On that note, I look forward to some peace this weekend, getting my haircut (don't panic), and spending some time at home. Let's see how this goes.

Relation...whahhh???

Realizations can be like pin pricks to your tush, but they can be most beneficial.  For example, I realized the other night, as I was yet again delirious with fever, that the last 2 years of my life can be summed up in several episodes of Sex and the City (1 1/2 years can be thrown out of the equation). Instead of running down the street screaming in fear, I decided to embrace the fact and run WITH it. My life is my life and I love learning from it...just never at the moment that it's happening. Like in matters of love, I have seen good and bad and irrational when it comes to relationships/dating/singledom. I've fallen for men maybe only twice, but I've wanted to fall many times over. What I really wonder is how many have ever fallen for me? Though, I'll be honest when I say that while I wonder, I'll lose interest in about an hour. The past is the past and it bears no weight on my life at present. Just the cat being curious.

But what makes a good relationship? Many say this is relative; it's different for everyone. For me, I can probably, but not completely, sum it up with a few key components:

• Exclusivity - Sure, I've had my casual relationships; but, when someone makes it clear that the casualness is preferred, then it's also clear that the relationship won't grow beyond that.( "We're not the exception; we're the rule." ~ He's Just Not That Into You) Don't get me wrong. That doesn't make that type of relationship bad or negative. If that's what you're good with at the moment, then it may be ideal for you. There have been times for me when this was the case. I'm just at a point where I'm ready to move past that. I can't talk future unless I know you're capable of devoting your attention to just one woman. No one wants to waste anyone's time when you consider that we don't really have much of it.
• Communication - I don't want anyone up my ass and I don't want to be up anyone else's. I like my "me" time and I get irritated when I see friends get interrupted by phone calls or texts from their significant others when they know they're out with friends. BUT...I also don't like going days without hearing from someone and not knowing what's going on. Are you busy, not feeling like talking to me, losing interest, seeing someone else...see how this could escalate? Sometimes, it's just a matter of needing some good ole common courtesy. A simple note or reply or something to say I'm caught up but all is well. Works wonders.
• Time - At this age, most of us have kids, jobs, etc. It's hard to divvy up that time equally. I don't ask to have as much time as your kids or your job, but I think it's important to make time for each other. Even if it's just an agreed upon date night, or whatever, one or two nights a week. Something you can depend upon, knowing you will get to see that person for sure that day/night.
• Attention - This goes along with time and communication combined. We can assume that when we're not around each other, that we at least think about each other. But making time to see each other or to communicate somehow with each other lets the other person know they have your attention.
• Faithfulness - See Exclusivity... Unless shown otherwise (be it miscommunication or not) we have to implicitly trust each other to be faithful. Otherwise, why even bother to start the relationship in the first place. That said, faithfulness is something that we should be able to depend on and not have to question. If you really can't hold up that end of the bargain, then tell the other person and remove yourself from the relationship immediately. Because clearly, it isn't for you.
• Love/Devotion - Some use the "L" word sooner than others. I say if you're comfortable knowing that's how you feel, then do/say what feels right. But even if you're not there yet, there's a level of devotion that shows how much you care. If you don't feel that's being reciprocated, then is it really a relationship?
• Sex - Argue this if you want, but I feel (at least for me) that sex is a healthy component to the relationship. It's very important to me, so if it's not a mutual thing or there's no compatibility, there will only be issues later in the relationship.
• Availability - This is a biggie. While I understand that certain circumstances may prevent total (normal) communication via specific methods...sigh...it would be nice to know that you can call on (or email, or text, or whatever) your significant other if you needed them; i.e. locked yourself out of the house, are delirious with fever, etc. as opposed to assuming they may not even see your message until a day or two later, by which time you may be frozen solid on your door step or dead on your bathroom floor. It just kinda sucks that others can get to them faster than you can. I'm not sure there's much out there that is more frustrating than this.

And then...I move on to other girly topics like weight. I neglected this thing I pay for every month called the gym during this never ending football season. As a result (because I'm still eating the same), I've gained 5 lbs, give or take. I've made efforts at home by buying a weight bench, weights, zumba Wii game, etc. While I use all of those things at home (sometimes), I find my best motivation comes from the gym, itself. When I'm there, and after, I just simply feel good. There's only one thing better, kids, and that's "censored for young viewers". And I'll have my cake and eat it too on that note. Nonetheless, I have found that for a variety of reasons, the gym has to be a regular part of my life. There really isn't a substitute for that sort of bliss. I eat right, never starve myself, and I just have to accept the fact that I am the type of person who needs constant exercise in my routine.

But enough of all of that. I've said too much on both these topics. Off we go towards another day.